Reinventing Fabulous

When I was in the midst of a wretched divorce (and they are all wretched), my friend came by every morning to go walking. 9 days out of 10, I did not want to go. I was nuts, really, up too late at night writing endless journals, fighting with my soon-to-be ex, worrying about everything.  I had headaches and random physical pains and—oh, yeah. Depressed.  Shocking, I know.

10 days out of 10, she calmly and cheerfully insisted that we go anyway.  We’d walk four miles around my neighborhood and then she’d go on her way, and I’d discover that—quite to my astonishment—I was actually alive and breathing for one more day.  All thanks to Sue, dragging me out. (May the saints sing her name.)

Walking seems like an absurdly simple exercise, doesn’t it? We often discount it because it is simple, and yet, experts say it’s one of the single best things we can do for ourselves, right up there with eating vegetables and giving up the smokes. I am of the belief that even if you smoke and haven’t touched a vegetable in five years, you ought to be walking.  Maybe even more so.

Not everyone is capable, I get that.  My father has diabetic feet issues and walking is excruciating for him.  There are other conditions, too.  You know if you are one of the people that absolutely should not walk.

If you’re suffering knee or hip or back problems, however, you might find that walking will help.  I had such severe lower back issues when my boys were small that I would sometimes have to sit in a chair to cook breakfast, and as soon as I got them out of the house to school, I’d break down in tears. I resisted anything physical because it hurt. A lot.

A massage therapist who was treating me asked me to start walking around the block a few times a day.  I agreed, tearfully. (I was pretty much tearful about everything.) It was embarrassing, hobbling around my block, [...]

Wonderful advice yesterday. So much to think about. Of course Kaim said don’t worry about cleaning, and in fact, she put her own sheets on her bed. I just wanted to make it a little better.
I just feel like I’m drowning in clutter, and while I’m not ADD, it’s getting hard for me to focus will all the crap all over the place. It bothers me when it never used to.
Tamsin was full of insight and good advice (well, everyone was) but I’m going to use one idea from her. I have a number of pads of paper with weekly calendars on them. I bought them for menus, because it helps if I plan ahead, but I think I’ll use one for daily work on the house. And just pick one a day. Be vigilant and not get distracted by a different room. I do tend to be “Squirrel!” when it comes to the house, so I never see any progress.
So that’s what I’ll do. I’ll work on my office first, because I have a step plan for it (clear the containers, move the printers, removed the tables to be painted …
I felt really overwhelmed on Sunday night, for a number of reasons. But the problem still exists, and I need to work on it. I need order out of chaos.
Kaim’s here, which makes me happy, and Tim returns in a few hours. I think my main priority is learning to focus.
So today I will reread my BOMH mss. (book of my heart — one of those impractical things we fall in love with and then have to put aside to work on the book that’s due.) and then I will work on my office. Only my office.
Pictures will come as well.
But first, a little window shopping. (And don’t worry, I hardly ever buy everything).
I’ll report back.

It’s late Sunday night and I’m feeling weepy. Yesterday was a wonderful day, from beginning to end, today was rain again. The house hasn’t made any progress (and why should it? I’m the one who’s supposed to make progress on the house). I do the dishes and the laundry, cook dinner every now and then, try to pick up stuff, but basically it’s still a disaster zone. So we’re trying to get it ready for Kaim, who’s coming home tomorrow (yippee!!), and I started out the day picking stuff up in the living room, putting a load of laundry in the dryer, loading and running the dishwasher, picking up more things, changing my clothes and going to a funeral service (well, okay, that was pretty stressful) coming home, picking up more stuff, washing down the stairs, cleaning out the floor of Kaim’s closet, stripping her bunk bed, remaking the bottom bunk, cleaning out a couple of laundry baskets (things that had migrated into there, made dinner, vacuumed, and then collapsed, near death.

No, I just feel that way. I don’t understand why I don’t have any energy. Well, the fact that I’m depressed, kind of like a low-grade systemic infection, will be part of it. My weight is probably part of it (though I’m still a lot keeping off the majority of the weight I lost). Lack of exercise, maybe. Age? (Oh, god, no!).

Eating the wrong foods? The problem is, everyone’s got their own agenda and I just can’t haul stuff around here the way it needs to be hauled. We’ve got some money so I can afford some help for a little while — someone who used to help Taffy go through her mountains of stuff. I do very well with help. As long as I can stay in one place and sort through things I do great.

And I did a good job on the deck, mainly by sitting and using the long-handled roller (I discovered quickly that I couldn’t stand for that long). I have the blisters (on my hands, not my ass) to prove it.

But I hate being so exhausted. I want to do things. I need a plan.
So that’s it for the week. Come up with a plan to get more energy. And get Kim’s help.

So, any ideas about energy? And what are your goals for the week?

Alice Walker said, “Don’t wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you’ve got to make yourself.”

What kind of happiness did you make for yourself this week?

My bedroom is not finished; the floor needs more screws and about forty coats of paint, the walls and trim need another coat of paint, and windows need washed, it’s a mess. I moved in anyway.

My Bad Wolf looks around and says, “This is not how decent people live. This place is a mess. You have asthma and allergies! Okay, okay, Toni sent you an air cleaner and now you’re all excited because you can breathe through your nose for the first time in fifteen years, but really, this is DISGUSTING.” [...]

Well, I took this great picture of me, duded up for work. I was trying to look determined and hard-core, but then I laughed because I can never take myself seriously, but my computer woes are appalling.
Short digression:
When they first offered internet through the phone lines up here in the boonies I got the top package, which was 3 mbs (three mega or milli-bytes or bits per second). Things were really slow so I checked i, found it running at about 1.6, finally called them last week. They”fixed” it without being in touch with me and now it’s going .96 mbs. Aaargh!!!!!!!! I have, however, upgraded to 15 or 17 mbps (the fastest they’ve got) and bought Richie a new cheap-ass desktop because he’s been using my 5 year old e-machine that I have for sewing software for the last two years. (CPU units are dirt cheap). And I’m waiting, I’m waiting.
But I digress. I’m staining the deck today. It’s going to be glorious, it’s going to hurt, but I can finally get my deck fixed so I’ll have one nice place to be. Then I’ll work my way through the house.
Pray for me, boys, I’m going in!

Welcome to Wellness Wednesdays.  I realized I had more to talk about than just exercise.  Lani has such a full schedule she has to bow out and I happily grabbed her spot.

Today, I was going to talk about swimming, because yesterday in the horrible, horrible heat—which many of you are now experiencing, too—I picked myself up out of my un-conditioned house and went to the pool at my gym. In the summertime, it is packed with children, and even the normally sleepy times are so overrun with teenagers in packs that it can be exasperating to say the least.  I will say more about coming to peace with teen girls and their hundreds of towels per day usage, but I have other things to talk about today.

Like making peace with What Is.

Here’s the thing:  I dislike intense heat intensely.  It’s not humid and I know everybody says that humidity is what makes it hot, but just try walking around happily in sunshine at 7500 feet altitude at 95 degrees.  It’s like having an iron on your skin at all times.

So, yesterday, there I was, too hot and trying to escape it and very grumpy. I decided that I had to do something. One of my life rules is that I am 100% in charge of my own happiness (not that I am particularly good at remembering this), so what could I do to make it better?

I could go swimming. I went. The outside lanes were packed and I didn’t want to go inside, so I plopped myself down in the 95 degree heat and waited.

And waited. And waited. Finally a lane was free and I leapt in—

It was absolute, utter, complete, deepest BLISS.  Cold water pouring through my hair. Blue sky overhead. Blue water beneath.  I’ve always liked it when you open your eyes underwater and see all that wavery light below the surface.  It’s a secret, thrilling world.  Mainly, yesterday, it was cool.  It improved my mood instantly.  I felt like my twelve-year-old self, off to the pool with my siblings for the entire afternoon, not swimming For Exercise, but playing. Paddling around in the water.  Daring ourselves to jump off the diving board. Learning to swim underwater with eyes open….all those things.  One way to be happy is to find that sense of childhood play.

Right this minute, however, there is a big fire devouring a forest just north of my neighborhood.  It started suddenly this afternoon and blustered out of control in less than two hours, already burning down homes and forcing evacuations and triggering the entire city’s PTSD, because it hasn’t been quite a year since the Waldo Canyon Fire burned more than 350 homes in one neighborhood in our city.  [...]

Okay, now I feel guilty. Because everyone said how nice it was to hear how happy I was yesterday, and I woke up today deep in the doldrums and now I don’t want to say anything about it but do a happy dance.
Well, c’est la vie. What I actually decided to do was talk about how to ignore it/get out of it.
So here goes.
First, I gotta figure out what’s causing it (f I can). I couldn’t use my cpap machine (it kept blowing in my eyes and I was too sleepy to adjust it properly), it’s pouring heavy heavy rain (and been raining for what seems like forever). It’s been cool (50s and 60s) and I’m ready for summer. So I think that’s part of it.
We also passed a major hurdle yesterday, paying off the IRS and finally finding a way to break free of some of the debt.
I think when you finally get past a really difficult time there’s an initial relief and then a let down. Not that it’s any comparison, but when WWII was over the people in England were uniformly depressed (or so I once red). So maybe I’m reacting to that.
I also haven’t done anything but work for a long time. Finished the book, had a few days off and then went straight into revisions. It’s pretty much done (might need a few tweaks but it’s in good shape) and I can sit back and work on what I want.
The house is in chaos, and with the heavy rain it makes it even more claustrophobic, so that’s part of it.
But really, I’m annoyed with myself for feeling down. Then again, I’ve just changed my meds and those haven’t kicked in yet.
So, what shall I do? I can’t Clean All Things — I’m overwhelmed. Ah, that’s another sign of the depression the doc figured out last week –I can’t decide on anything. Can’t figure out what to crochet, what to sew, what to clean. I’m just stalled out. I need a kick in the butt. A smack upside the head with the Salmon of Correction.
I don’t even want to go shopping.
One thing I think I’ll do is head down to NJ for a few days next week. I won’t be able to go in July — rehearsals etc. — and that will cheer me up.
Anyone else got a kick in the butt for me?

So, insomnia. But that’s okay — the eye is better, the revisions were brilliant and finished, Richie and I went to see Star Trek and loved it, we have ten days without children around, I’m starting in on laundry and cleaning and the book I’m dying to write.
I figure I have this month to work on the Spanish book and getting the house in order. Starting in July I begin the third book in the trilogy. But it would be lovely if I got the Spanish book ready to make the rounds.
So, tomorrow’s a busy day. Gotta call the eye doctor, check out a couple of things for Kaim, I have a conference call with Amazon, and Richie’s got a meeting with the lawyer about the big house (which I hope I can go to with him, but the Amazon call might be a conflict). Plus, we’re going to have a scrap of sunshine (or at least not-rain) for hours tomorrow, and I’m going to put the stain down on the deck.

And oh, splendidly exciting news! I get to be Eulalie McChechnie Shinn, the mayor’s wife, in our production of The Music Man (starring a Tony nominee as Marion). I was made to play this part, and I am going to be so over the top I’ll be floating in the stratosphere. I’m very very excited.

So good things. A book I love to work on, a fabulous part (that fortunately isn’t too taxing) in the musical, time to do things I want to do. My two cousins are playing townsladies, and we’re going to have a blast.
I’ve done pretty well with food last week, even though I don’t see any movement on the scale. I’ll just keep on. And the deck will be ready for Jenny’s furniture and we’ll set up the pool and I am going to snatch pleasure from the slavering jaws of depression, damn it.

Oh, and last week I did a conversation with three other writers on audio books (Julie James, who does a great romantic suspense series about lawyers and the FBI, Pamela Clare who does rom suspense about the I-team plus, I gather, some great historicals, and Jennifer Ashley, who does both wonderful paranormals and some of the best historicals, like THE MADNESS OF IAN MACKENZIE). I tried to behave myself, and if you’re interested in writers talking about audio books, check out this link:http://www.audiogals.net/2013/06/hear-the-authors-talk/#.UbVXO7-1nww

So, my darlings, what’s on your agenda?

Happiness is believing in a future of infinite possibilities.

What lifted you up this week?