Hey, I brushed my hair for you.
So there’s a silver lining to every cloud. After my intestinal explosion (made much more bearable by the fabulous nurse) I’ve been fairly terrified to eat. I pushed water and only ate things filled with fiber and then read the stuff they sent home where they said don’t add too much fiber at once or it could make me constipated again. Aiyee!
I would truly, happily, go through the surgery again than have that happen. And it seems only fear of acute pain can keep me from shoving garbage in my mouth. I’m also feeling vulnerable — having to have my shoulder replaced, having my knees get worse and worse so that I’m becoming less and less mobile. And I’m too young for that. Would have been nice to have a revelation 20 years ago (well, actually I did and lost a lot of weight then). But at this point I’m really at a fork in the road (if you’ll pardon the expression). I can do what I can to become healthier and more mobile, or I can indulge myself with comfort food that gives temporary relief and more pain. I can work on the alternatives to eating, and there are plenty of them. It’s a choice. And I’m tired of hurting.
Some things won’t be cured by weight. There’s just wear and tear on the body over the years, and I know that. But the knees and legs won’t ache as much if they’re not carting around as much weight – that’s a no-brainer. It’ll make recovery from knee replacement so much easier. And I’ll be able to go for walks with the love of my life (and shopping with Crusie, the second great love of my life. Crusie, not shopping. Shopping’s third ).
So it’s really begun already. As expected, I haven’t felt very hungry since the surgery, and the stomach upset made it even worse. So I’m heading toward Mediterranean plus extra fruit and fiber. I’m going to walk around the house five times every couple of hours as well as doing my rehab exercises, and as soon as I’m allowed back in the water I’ll be going (I’m still not allowed to drive). I’m going to get better, damn it! I’m too young to be so old.
So I’m using Refab, because that’s what I wanted in the very beginning. A place to hold me responsible. Ginger oatmeal, seltzer and black coffee for breakfast. Then Richie will help me shower and I’ll go from there. Shopping at the grocery store before I see my therapist, and suddenly, maybe, no, fuck it, definitely, hope for the future.
I’ll take all the suggestions, support, encouragement, participation anyone has to offer.