Krissie: Revisions, Goddammit

So I don’t know what I did yesterday but I certainly didn’t do revisions. And I started out this morning sorting socks. ‘Splain this to me, Lucy.
I did see my therapist, who pointed out that it was amazing I even finished a book while depressed (and yes, I’m still pretty depressed, I’m just not dwelling on it). I think I have to accept the fact that my perceptions are all off. I’m thinking my life is over, I’ll never be happy again, yadda yadda yadda. That kind of garbage. I’m impatient with myself. Why is it we can be caring and kind to everyone but ourselves? I have a certain writer friend in NJ who loves to beat up on herself. I don’t cut myself any slack. Why can’t i nurture myself the way I needed to be nurtured?
Ah, well.
Lost the weight I gained in NJ. Back down to 228 (I was up to 230.5, which wasn’t nearly as bad as it should have been). Been fighting temptation (really wanted morning glory muffins yesterday). When I have a shitload of work to do in a short period of time I usually tell myself I’m allowed to eat, but I’m fighting the good fight. Yesterday I thought about comfort food (after seeing my therapist) and then thought, do I really want to gain that weight back or do I want to lose more. And we know the answer to that.
Nothing but work today. Don’t want to think about anything but the book. If I get too restless I can go to the library and work — that’ll be peaceful. In the meantime, one day at a time, I guess.
My mother always felt put-upon, ill-used, screwed-over by fate and life. It was something that used to drive me crazy. I suppose I could feel sorry for myself in her honor … naaah. I want to be merry and bright.
Just having a hard time getting there.
That’s probably part of the reason people get depressed at Christmas. They feel that they ought to be happy, and there’s something wrong with them if they aren’t.
Hell, I don’t even like admitting that I’m not happy right now.
But I will be. Getting this book done will be a huge relief.
Oh, my. I just had a revelation. An epiphany.
And you’re going to have to wait until tomorrow to hear about it, because I have to get to work.