Krissie: Nightmares

For the last two nights I’ve been plagued with nightmares. So bad that I decided to get up at 6:30 am rather than risk another one. Last night I went to bed early (around nine), fell asleep immediately and slept for an hour, and when I suddenly woke up I’d already had one nightmare.
The night before they were more along the lines of strange dreams, places I’d been to that were suddenly different. And I had the recurring dream, of visiting a house I had once lived in or visited and finding a dozen more rooms all hidden away. (I think that’s a fairly common dream). But it ended up with a screaming fight with Richie (in the dream), about his sister, so that I woke up upset.
Last night they were about death. I know this is absurd, but I’m very fond of Derek Hough from Dancing with the Stars. I find his dancing and choreography as interesting as some ice skating — full of athleticism and drama and emotion and male beauty (the last being key because I’m a dirty old woman).
Anyway, in this dream he was just the latest in a line of people who married older caresses (it started out as Sandra Bullock and ended up as someone blonde) and committed suicide on television using some weird mask over his face (maybe that’s from the cpap machine?). And then I thought back to half a dozen more cases when the same thing had happened, and I kept trying to escape from it but it kept following me.
I don’t even remember the earlier ones, but they were equally sad and painful, where someone I barely knew (and in my dream I had a mild fight with him) killed himself, leaving a slightly older woman in pain.
I don’t want to dream if this is what I get. I remember once Daniel Day-Lewis kissed me (in a dream of course). He was as gorgeous as he was when he played Nathaniel in LAST OF THE MOHICANS, and I really felt the kiss. It was almost a religious experience — I woke up feeling gloriously kissed. I want more of those dreams, which are few and far between.
I was going to go to bed with Brad Pitt a few months ago, and decided it was necessary. In my best dreams I flirt gloriously with beautiful men (though seldom do more than that). But mostly my dreams are full of anxiety, missed planes and boats and speaking engagements.
I imagine they’re trying to tell me something, but I don’t know what. I just wish they’d tell me something nice, like I became a princess, or a millionaire, or a grandmother again (hey, I’m easy). But right now I can’t figure out what. Just all these paths I never expected two nights ago, and then the rooms in the family house which became Taffy’s house and then got sold and is being rehabbed (as it was in my dream).
It’s funny — I have two blog entries for the last three days that I saved but decided not to post. One about guilt, one about my mother. First of all, too weepy, second of all, particularly in my mother’s case, TMI while she’s still alive. I don’t know if that’s part of the cause or part of the effect, but the bottom line with these nightmares is I wake up feeling upset, when I usually wake up singing.
Literally. It’s a good thing a conference roommate hasn’t murdered me by now. I always keep all knives away from Jenny, though she’s got strong hands. She could probably strangle me. But then, I could always sit on her until she calmed down.
I was listening to WELCOME TO TEMPTATION as I went to sleep — hardly upsetting (I chose a book I already knew). The night before it was a re-listen to a Susan Elizabeth Phillips, also a safe choice. Last night I even took the tranquilizer I’m supposed to take to help me sleep once I woke up from the first nightmare, and it didn’t help. (I don’t like taking them so I usually don’t bother unless I haven’t been sleeping for days).
I think I’m feeling overwhelmed by all the things I need to do, and I know others of my sisters are feeling the same way. Maybe, once again, it’s the time of year or astrological issues (Crusie and I both have Scorpio Rising). Maybe tonight I’ll drink chamomile tea and turn off the tv and listen to … I don’t know, maybe a Georgette Heyer favorite? Something amusing and gentle.
Or else I’m going to start embracing insomnia with real enthusiasm.
Didn’t weigh myself this morning but I’m feeling good at going down again, and I know I’m due for an impressive drop that will get me into the 230s, where I haven’t been in years.
And all this is very good — I topped out at close to 280 about 5 years ago and each time I’ve lost weight since then (which of course is a yo-yo ongoing battle) I’ve managed to keep a little more off. So really, 40 pounds is a real help, and it’s soon going to be even more noticeable in my clothes.
Plus, confession time. I created another basket of crap in my bedroom. I saw it with borrow and immediately cleaned it out (it was only a quarter full). But clearly I must be vigilant. The good thing is my $188 32″ plasma tv is really nice for watching THE VAMPIRE DIARIES.
And oh, my, I get to fly to Ohio tomorrow!!! Life is going to be glorious. They have this amazing Super Krogers where I usually get apple crumb bagels and all sorts of fattening goodies. The thing is, they have all sorts of amazing healthy stuff too, like a thousand kinds of apples and fish and cereals. We’re going to laugh together and work together and cry together and have a completely fabulous time.
And I bet I don’t have any nightmares while I’m there.