Krissie: My mind is blank

Photo on 4-23-13 at 8.39 AMLook, I have no shoulders!

I had all sorts of things I wanted to talk about in the last couple of days, but for some reason my mind is a blank today. Too many things I have to do, too much craziness.
I got almost nothing done yesterday at Sally’s — it was too cold. All I did was eat garbage. Sigh. Feeling anxious and edgy and frantic, oh my. Partly because I got shit done yesterday. Partly because of the time of year. Partly because of the eating.
I know what to do to feel better. I need to write the hell out of things today. If Sally’s cabin is too cold I’ll go to the library. I gotta write write write and then I’ll feel better.
I HAVE to get my medigap coverage taken care of. I play telephone tag with Blue Cross and I think it has to be in place by my birthday or I’m punished for some reason. I have a contract to print and send off. I have an email to send to my agent. I have to calm down, center myself — anxiety always makes things worse.
So, deep, calming breath. Here’s what I have to do and what I do about it.
Insurance — don’t leave here until I’ve talked with BCBS. Print up the forms and get them out (or even hand deliver them if I think I need to)
Contract — print it up and sign it
Email — that one’s easy — I’m just avoiding it. I always think my agent’s gonna be mad at me and she never is, so I’m building it all up for no reason
Write — I need to sit down and plan the rest of the book. I’m at the halfway point, and I need to charge on ahead but I’m being distracted by all this stuff
Figure out what’s going on with my daughter. Or at least make peace with it on my end, no matter whether I understand or not. Don’t ride to the rescue.
God, I am just such a bundle of anxiety today. I could take a trank but that would make me sleepy and I don’t like to unless I’m really about to explode.
I could listen to a guided meditation. That might be the smart thing to do. That would bring things down a notch.
Get the business stuff out of the way and then get to work. Right? That’s reasonable.
Breathe. Just breathe. I don’t know why I’m so insane today (relatively speaking).
One day, one hour, one minute at a time.
When I went to see the new shrink (the one for meds) and gave him my history he said it sounded like a novel. Maybe I should write it all down. Hell, I’ve got too much writing to do anyway.
And everything worrisome is whirling through my head again.
Just breathe. I’ll get through it. Just breathe.


Update:  I know why my shoulders are so narrow — they’re hunched, because I’m stressed.  And I just got through to BCBS and they don’t cover therapists unless they’re in a doctor’s office.  I’ve been seeing Ellen for more than ten years, and now I’m going to have to stop.  Tomorrow.  Just like that.

I’ll spare you my language because it’s blasphemous AND obscene.  No I won’t.  Jesus Fucking Christ.  Not right now.

L’sTiF: Ommmmm….

Here’s a thing you may not know about me if you’ve never met me before, or read anything I’ve written, or indeed heard of me in passing.

I’m a big ball of stress.

It’s not an attractive quality, and I own that. I worry, I fret, I take every negative thing inward and wrap myself around it, obsessing over how I can make it better, or how I could have prevented it in the first place. A lot of my energy goes toward prevention; looking at every possible situation, all the ways in which it can go wrong, and how I can prevent it. When I was 11, I was worried about my father’s health. Looking back, I’m not sure why, but I remember making him buy tunafish, thinking that would save him. He died suddenly of a heart attack three weeks after my 12th birthday. Somehow, instead of sending home the healthy and realistic message that I do not, in fact, control the universe, it made me more determined than ever to see the bad things coming and head them off at the pass.

Kind of like Gandalf.

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Jenny: Hot Tub Timed Meditation

So I’m a little stressed.  I was stressed before I hit the deer, discovered I’m probably going to be looking at people sideways in a couple of years, and found out there was no cake in my future.   Now I’m interacting several times a day with an app that yells at me (figuratively speaking) if I don’t eat breakfast.   I’m making progress, my numbers are coming down, but they’re not coming down fast enough, especially that bottom line blood pressure number.   I should be seeing better results.  I’m Jenny Crusie, damn it, I do everything well.  Okay, not relationships or housecleaning or cooking (the smoke alarm went off last night while I was making salad), but a lot of things.  THIS thing.  THIS THING I SHOULD BE DOING WELL.

Okay, I’m a little more than a little stressed.   Continue reading