Krissie: Day Two

The countdown continues. (I have no idea why the photo is misty but it looks kinda nice so I’m okay with it). I gotta say, I don’t find my daily posts to be the slightest bit of a burden. I hate blogging — it always felt so artificial and self-serving. I loved being here. I could just be completely honest — I only held back a very few times, and that was mainly when other people were involved or I was just tired of myself.
But it’s kind of like ending a television show in its prime, or not doing a sequel to a book that said it all perfectly. Better to end while things are still strong and involved.
So, on our tree today, we need to put up one thing we discovered we can do without. Like a tv show or a food or a behavior.
I learned I can live without day-long infusions of Diet Coke and Tab. Never would have thought it. And I can do without fast food. Been slipping a little recently, but come January 1 I’m back on the wagon, and I’m avoiding fried foods there when I do succumb (and that’s usually because I’m rushing).
BTW, we need a bit of coal underneath the tree to make sure it burns properly. Failures, things we want to get rid of, any bits of shame or disappointment in ourselves. We can toss them there at random, toss ’em and let go of ’em. Worries, frustrations, annoyances — each make a nice lump of coal which will help with the final conflagration.

I’m tossing my involvement in my children’s lives. They’re both doing well, but it’s time for me to let go, not to try to influence them. They’re adults now (even if they need financial help), and unless it has an impact on me I need to let go and let them live their lives instead of interfering and getting emotionally worked up.
That probably equals two bigs lumps of coal there at the base of our magnificent tree.

So go ahead, toss your lumps of coal whenever you want, and list some bad habit, no matter how small, that you’ve gotten rid of. We need to light up this tree with our triumphs.

Krissie: A week to go

One more week. Gynecologist appointment in the big city on Friday, but that way I can do one more load to Goodwill and finish up anything I need to finish up.
I’ve got a problem. Richie was so incredibly grinchy that I don’t want/expect presents from him. We have so little money that I want to spend on the others, and yet part of me feels lonely and sad and unloved. I want someone to get as much pleasure and joy from coming up with something wonderful for me and damn the cost as I feel toward
everyone else. And you can do it without damning the cost.
But everytime he asks me what I want I get sour, and time’s running out. Someone talk some sense into me, willya? I don’t see my therapist until Thursday, and I’m only hurting myself.
Yikes — okay, now I gotta go 45 miles to the vet to take two sick cats to the vet, tomorrow I go 45 miles to get the car looked at (but Richie follows in the truck and we do some shopping and have a nice lunch) and Thursday I see my therapist and Friday my gynecologist and oh my god I’m going to scream.
Deep breath.
I could put off both the gynecologist’s appt. and the car appointment but it takes me places where I can get last minute Xmas stuff. But it makes me have to rush rush rush.

Ah, well. Kaim will come with me to the vet, so that will be nice. I need a calming hand to stroke my head and tell me everything is going to be all right. It will, won’t it?

Stupid me. I’m making myself crazy. Why?

Mellow out, Krissie.

I’ve got Richard Thompson, John Hiatt Emmy Lou Harris, Bonnie Raitt, Sam Bush, and so many others singing “The Weight” in honor of Levon. That’s enough to make me happy.

Tomorrow’s another day.

Krissie: All About You Holiday Edition

Kaim’s home! First time in a year. Damn, I missed her. Too long a time to go between seeing your children. We have new rules with her, which make things a little complicated, but not enough to bring tension into the family. I think we’ll cut the tree today (one of the ones Richie grew — it’s a little uneven, not the beauties we can find at the Christmas tree farms, but it’s ours) though we got snow after the freezing rain.
My plan for the week: no more sugar. I think it makes me more emotional, so no more sneaking one white chocolate peanut butter Christmas tree, damn it. Things are pretty cleared downstairs, so the plan is:
Keep things clear.
Clean the kitchen and keep that clear.
rearrange the storage area
Clean the bedroom.
Finish christmas shopping.
Oh, that’s not for the day. That’s for the week. That’s do-able.

What’s on your agenda? We need to avoid holiday craziness.

Krissie: Revisions, Goddammit

So I don’t know what I did yesterday but I certainly didn’t do revisions. And I started out this morning sorting socks. ‘Splain this to me, Lucy.
I did see my therapist, who pointed out that it was amazing I even finished a book while depressed (and yes, I’m still pretty depressed, I’m just not dwelling on it). I think I have to accept the fact that my perceptions are all off. I’m thinking my life is over, I’ll never be happy again, yadda yadda yadda. That kind of garbage. I’m impatient with myself. Why is it we can be caring and kind to everyone but ourselves? I have a certain writer friend in NJ who loves to beat up on herself. I don’t cut myself any slack. Why can’t i nurture myself the way I needed to be nurtured?
Ah, well.
Lost the weight I gained in NJ. Back down to 228 (I was up to 230.5, which wasn’t nearly as bad as it should have been). Been fighting temptation (really wanted morning glory muffins yesterday). When I have a shitload of work to do in a short period of time I usually tell myself I’m allowed to eat, but I’m fighting the good fight. Yesterday I thought about comfort food (after seeing my therapist) and then thought, do I really want to gain that weight back or do I want to lose more. And we know the answer to that.
Nothing but work today. Don’t want to think about anything but the book. If I get too restless I can go to the library and work — that’ll be peaceful. In the meantime, one day at a time, I guess.
My mother always felt put-upon, ill-used, screwed-over by fate and life. It was something that used to drive me crazy. I suppose I could feel sorry for myself in her honor … naaah. I want to be merry and bright.
Just having a hard time getting there.
That’s probably part of the reason people get depressed at Christmas. They feel that they ought to be happy, and there’s something wrong with them if they aren’t.
Hell, I don’t even like admitting that I’m not happy right now.
But I will be. Getting this book done will be a huge relief.
Oh, my. I just had a revelation. An epiphany.
And you’re going to have to wait until tomorrow to hear about it, because I have to get to work.

Krissie: Aiyee!

I couldn’t sleep last night, thinking of all the things I have to do, all the things I want to do. Right now I’m printing up the mss. so I can curl up and start revisions. Of course, I need to find a neat, quiet, secluded place to read through it — good luck with that.
I need/want to put the autumn stuff away and start bringing out the Christmas stuff. I need/want to sew. I need/want to finish clearing the decks, rearrange the living room furniture, bring up the christmas mugs, get rid of one book case (consolidate stuff), bake pumpkin bread, see my therapist, do some food shopping, read the stack of magazines that piled up, figure out the entertainments for the church Christmas luncheon this Saturday, bang my head against the wall, work on revisions, make a trip to Goodwill, send off the advent calendars to my daughter and her roomies, go food shopping ….
As I said earlier, aiyee!
Okay, priorities. Which is get the book done. Get the revisions done. Once that’s taken care of the rest will fall into place. I tend to be pretty good at letting go of the things that don’t get done in time (like my daughter telling me yesterday that she’d like a new quilt — six months warning might have been nice).
So I guess I go with time-sensitive. As in, first book, then holiday stuff, except that everything that’s not book is holiday. It’s weird — I don’t have to send any presents away — we’re not exchanging presents with Richie’s sister. (I doubt I will ever ever forgive Richie’s sister). Everyone in my family is dead besides Mini-me (except, of course, for my nuclear family, and nothing better damned well happen to them). So it’s just us chickens.
Inch by inch, row by row.
the problem with writing is that it’s so overwhelming. It’s hard for the brain to encompass the big picture, and my brain hasn’t been working at top capacity recently. It’s sort of like someone’s thrown a blanket over a light — everything’s shadowed and muffled. Depression sucks.
But I do see my therapist today. And they’re changing … crap, my printer’s running low on toner, goddammit … anyway, they’re changing my meds, so that may help (we’re trying cymbalta).
And the draft is done, Alleluia, (or Hallelujah, depending) and we just take one step at a time.
Inch by inch, row by row.
Anyone else feeling overwhelmed by the holidays? I usually just flat out adore them. In fact, even now I mostly do, now that Thanksgiving is over. I just have to figure how to get my work done and make things a little easier on myself.
In the meantime, down in NJ, Jenny will get one or maybe two dogs to cuddle with (even though she’s dealing with snow right now). Over in Ohio, Lani and family are dancing around all 5,000 square feet in their underwear playing air guitar. Sisters are doing it for themselves, even if they’d rather have each other around.
Next year we’re going to have to plan a way to spend some quality, holiday time together.
Next year, I’ll be happy and healthy and wealthy and wise.
Next year, pigs will fly.

Krissie: All About You Post Thanksgiving Edition

So now that you’ve all recovered from your turkey-induced comas and shopping-induced exhaustion, we can stop and evaluate. We actually had our thanksgiving yesterday, because I wanted to change things around a bit, and we liked the difference. Mind you, I missed watching the parade, but I always used to bring my mother up to watch it and then the dog show and it would have made me weepy. We’ll see how things go next year.
I have one thing and one thing only to do, and that’s finish the book. It’s so close I can taste it (as well as the leftover turkey) but I’m not allowing myself to get Christmas-y until I do. I did drag out my Christmas clothes and go through them and pull out all the 2x ones to give to Goodwill. Hoping to make a trip there this week. And today is the first day I’m not wearing Crusie-donated clothes in about two weeks. I have a brand new wardrobe.
I’ve got a bunch of pretty stuff to pass on to Lynda (gotta get that together too).
But one thing at a time. Finish the damned book.

What’s on your agenda?

Krissie: Oh God

Literally. I’m going to church. I probably shouldn’t, considering I have a book to finish plus thanksgiving meal to cook, but it’s our minister’s anniversary of his ordination, plus he’s baptising his first grandchild and he’s written a song for her (he’s a musician as well as a minister). And the baby is doubly precious — his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in her early twenties. And it might even be the first Sunday in Advent — I haven’t looked at a calendar. I haven’t done anything but write.
But I figure if I can’t take an hour and a half off for church then screw it.
I wrote 7k words yesterday, and could have done a lot more if I wasn’t having brain problems. I’m not sure why my mind isn’t working right. I checked my meds and it’s not side effects. I think it’s part of PTSD over all the deaths in the family, including my mother’s. Right now I’m having trouble seeing the big picture, so I’m just writing and writing and hope I can pull it all together in the end, by cutting and slashing. Some people, me included, usually get the first draft pretty close to right. Some people’s first drafts are in scenes and outlines and bits and pieces all over the place. That’s what this one seems to be, but I’m determined not to panic. Once I have all the pieces then I can figure what works and what doesn’t.
So. It’s snowing and blowing, and I’m not allowing myself Christmas until after we have Thanksgiving dinner and after I finish the book. And I’m champing at the bit (chomping at the bit?) because lord knows I am the biggest Christmas slut in the world.
But bird by bird. I need to cook a meal and finish a book. then I can move ahead.
I got an unexpected check in the mail, and I’m putting it to one side. It’s not that big, but it’ll help, and I’m hoping I can use it for a modified Christmas. There’s only the immediate family and Mini-me, so it’ll be pretty easy. Except that I love to give gifts.
One day at a time. My son’s going mad from bug bites — there are fleas in his room (not in other parts of the house) and he’s always been terribly allergic to bites. Plus he’s still getting hives from the sulfa drug they gave him three weeks ago (and he promptly stopped taking).
Anyone know of a) a treatment for hives and b) a healthy way to get rid of fleas. We’ve dosed the cats, we have the magic clicky things in the outlets, which help with ants and stuff. His room gets very very hot, and I think that’s why he has the problem.
Ah, I know. We could take up the carpet (we put it down ourselves, we can take it up.

Any other ideas?