Krissie: Too Effing Cold

Photo on 12-17-13 at 9.43 AM I know, it’s make-it Tuesday and I see gorgeous stuff in the folder, but I’m too logy to manage it. I just woke up feeling overwhelmed, though right now I’m going to ignore that. Going to ignore the sudden crushing pressure.
It was -24 degrees last night. Fahrenheit. They closed schools around here, and they’re used to those kinds of temperatures (in January or February). But it’s not common. Jenny’s probably a popsicle right now.

It’s warmed up to a toasty -4 by 10 am. REally, we’re having a helluva an unsettled time when it comes to weather. Grrrrr. No, I’m not going there.

What I wanted to talk to about it weight. Yeah, I know. Think I’m gonna make it through Disney being good? Ha! Do you think I’ll return with the sudden plethora of Christmas tension and Christmas yummies? Ha!
So I thought about the new year, and relief! I can gear up and charge into the New Year with a new commitment.
But why? I know I always think that once I slip during the day I might as well go for broke. I went to OA for three years and it gave me the best wisdom of my life. With OA you don’t wait for a special date or a special time. You shouldn’t wait till New Year’s Day to give up drinking or drugs. Why wait for a specific day to give up stuff that’s unhealthy for you?

Then again, food addictions are different from drugs and alcohol. You don’t need drugs or alcohol to live. You don’t need to make choices — you have to stop (since I’m a 12 step person I think you need your higher power but some may disagree). Though people wait for New Year’s Day to stop smoking, don’t they?

Anyway, bottom line (literally speaking) is I’m gearing up for January 1. That’s going to be my main focus in the new year. And the good thing is that here I don’t have to make apologies or excuses or fuss about feeling about how many times I’ve said this. This is a safe place. I don’t need excuses or to feel bad about not sticking to something. This is a place where I can pick myself up and start again without feeling like a failure.

Oh, shit, they just said “a nasty wintry mix for Friday and the weekend” on the local weather. But that’s another issue. Anyway, that’s my plan.
I don’t intend to pig out ahead of time. In fact, the last couple of times I had fries I only ate half of them, and I don’t want them. Yesterday I had a breakfast bar for breakfast, a healthy peanut butter and sugar free jam sandwich for lunch, and when we went to Applebees I shared a salad with Richie, then ordered a platter that had two small steaks and mashed potatoes. I could only eat one steak and half the potatoes. So it’s not like full steam ahead. I’m just not going to focus on food until the holidays are over. If I want a cookie I’ll have it, but I’m not in the mood for a pig out.

I think it helps that I want to feel better. Looking better is always a real treat, but it isn’t vanity that’s pushing me, it’s physical discomfort that I know could be improved. So that’s my plan.

Krissie: Food redux

Photo on 11-12-13 at 9.47 AM Barbara Samuel is going to do Make it Tuesday  as well as Move It Wednesday (I don’t know what she calls it but that’s how I think of it). She’s created a whole new writing personality as well as a whole new book, and wants to talk about it, and I want to hear. In general we’re not about publishing, but we’re certainly about writing and creating along with other things.   Before I come up with a family (that’s all of us) Make It Post I need to go through the folder and see which projects I’ve talked about and which ones I haven’t.  Upload your Christmas ideas/gifts/crafts.
Okay, brace yourselves, Maggie. (Punchline to a bad joke). I know weigh 242.1. Pretty ridiculous. Then again, I had a stomach bug last night. Yesterday I had oatmeal w. raspberries etc., lunch was at the health food store and I had a whole grain baguette with lean roast beef (not a lot of it), gorgonzola (asked them to go light on it) and caramelized onions. A little indulgent but hey, a health food store? On my way home started feeling sick. I think the gorgonzola hit me, even though I took a lactaid at the end of the meal. I should take it at the first bite of dairy but I can usually manage that much or the amount on a pizza. Maybe with my stomach less full I’m more sensitive. So after an unpleasant time in the bathroom I went to bed and watched vampire tv shows on my ipad (Dracula and the Originals). Came down and had a slice of homemade bread, which I’m now having without smart balance and a huge apple.
I have felt dizzy the past two nights but surely I’m having enough food. Yes, the last two dinners were pretty spare but the lunches have been large. Not enough veggies yesterday (you know, we out to switch to the Brit/Australian term veg. It’s easier).
But then, things weren’t sitting well so I didn’t want to push last night. I did buy a cauliflower though. Lynda Ward gave me a great recipe for roasted cauliflower soup. Problem is, you start with cutting the cauliflower into flowerets, toss them in a little olive oil and salt and pepper, and roast them. Then you make the soup from it, but the roasted cauliflower is so good we don’t want to waste it on soup. Yum!
But it is soup time.
But I digress. I’ll have oatmeal for breakfast (shortly) and then some hot tea while I work. Things have calmed down now. And the blessed thing, for me at least, as I said yesterday, and how many clauses am I going to add, is that I’m in the zone food wise. I’ve got a couple of unopened Smart Balances I need to give to Erin and Tim (I think they’ll use it).
So, that’s how things have been going. I think my face looks a little thinner already, probably because this is mainly water weight. But I need to feel better, and less weight means less pain on my back and knees, and it means my pelvis exams will be more reliable.
We need to get Toni back to talk about re-hab. We lost her when the server went belly-up, and I miss her.  And why Toni would follow pelvis exams in my mind is quite beyond me.

Krissie: All About You

Photo on 11-11-13 at 8.35 AM Just took a shower, and that’s me with my naturally curly hair. Used to be straight as a stick — well, sticks aren’t straight, are they? Not if you’ve been gathering wood for winter (God, that sounds so Hansel and Gretel!).
Anyway, just to show the ridiculousness of scales, today I’m 244.7. One doesn’t really lose 3+ pounds in one day, though granted, yesterday was a shitty day and I’m in the non-eating mode rather than the eating mode of coping. I had a breakfast bar for breakfast because all hell broke loose, a nice fat (well, probably lean) steak lunch at Applebee’s (one of the 550 & under calorie things) and oatmeal w. splenda and raspberries for dinner. Oh, and an apple and a piece of cheese.
So not a huge amount because life sucked, but enough.
Anyway, on to the week ahead. I have to finish the book. Not sure how I’ll do it — everything seems determined to get in my way and life seemed pretty bleak when I went to sleep last night. I’m not in a bleak mode yet, but I imagine that will happen sooner rather than later.
So, survive and finish the book. Try to ride the waves. Is that so much to ask? Hope not. Can I ask for calm waters? Probably a lost cause. Why does it feel like the universe gives me things only to take them away again? It’s harder to survive the downs when they’re preceded by the really good stuff.
But then, there’s my childhood again. I remember my mother took my sister and me into Philadelphia to shop — those were some of my best memories of my mother – shopping.  No wonder I like to shop.  Anyway, we had a wonderful time, came home, and Daddy was passed out on the living room sofa.  (I guess he must have been sober recently).
I used to tell myself as a kid that I had it better than kids with normal lives, because I appreciated the good times more since I had such really bad times.
Maybe that still holds true.
Anyway, back to the here and now. Continue on the eating thing. It’s pretty well settled in, thank god. You know when an eating plan chunks into place, like a piece of puzzle fitting? So, survive and finish the book.

What’s on your agenda?

Krissie: Food

So, I’m keeping honest here.  Day two of mindfulness.  A Tab first thing.  Then oatmeal with a Tb. of splenda brown sugar and a bunch of frozen raspberries.   (I’m not giving up splenda so don’t lecture).  For lunch two mini whole wheat bagels with a thin coating of natural peanut butter.  A bowl of carrots.  Crystal lite lemonade.  A couple of bottles of water.  An apple with a small piece of low fat cheese (you can get prepackaged low fat Cabot cheese at Costco — Cabot’s about one town over).  For dinner a big salad that Richie made, no cheese or egg or meat, but some almonds and craisins (and mango and tomatoes and all sorts of yummy things).  Oh, and a couple of peaces of homemade bread, but this time without the Smart Balance, which is a first for a long, long time.  And it was still delicious.  Might have to give up butter, smart balance etc.  I have before.  And w/o butter the bread was yummy but I didn’t have to keep going back.  (and it was mostly whole wheat potato bread, btw).

Lessee, anything else?  No more pretzel goldfish — white flour.  Not sure about the whole grain ones but maybe not those either, since they’re a trigger food.  Oh, I did have a mini can of diet ginger ale, but not bad.

Yesterday I was 248.something.  Today I was 247.8, which was encouraging.  I don’t get discouraged when it moves upward, but it do like to see it moving downward.

One day at a time.  Meant to go to an OA meeting but was too lazy.  I do need to do that, or see if there are on-line meetings.

Krissie: Saturday

Photo on 11-9-13 at 9.48 AM I was reading everyone’s response yesterday when I took that picture. Made me cry. the thing is, my parents weren’t monsters. Well, they were. But they were mentally ill. One psychiatrist thought my mother had borderline personality disorder. She was miserable, and always chose misery over happiness, but as my cousin and I ponder family secrets we suspect she was sexually abused by her father. She’s someone who shouldn’t have had children, who saw herself as an icon for feminism, and yet when I was fourteen and asked her why Dougal got to go to private school, she said “because he’s the boy and it’s more important for boys to have a well=paying career.” Mind you, I think that was a personal blip, because she mostly made more money than Daddy did. The thing was, she wasn’t very good at loving anyone. But at the very end I realized she actually did love me in her way. Daddy always loved us, but he had his demons. And the two of them and the havoc they created killed my brother and sister, and somehow made me an iron lady. A cuddly iron lady, but someone who survives everything and thrives. (So we throw a little survivors’ guilt in there. I’d rather have Stockholm Syndrome.)

But I digress. Richie’s taking the paper recycling this morning, which is all those letters. You do what you gotta do.

And here’s what I gotta do. Get my shit in order. I made myself sick when I was in NJ with what I was eating. I went on a crumb cake binge (god knows why). I have completely addictive behavior when it comes to food, and if I don’t focus, if I’m not mindful, then all hell breaks loose. I need to find a good OA meeting (love 12 step meetings when they’re good ones). Because the eating thing is like alcoholism. You’re never over the tendency to indulge in bingeing if you’re not careful.

So, the new plan. I finally made oatmeal in my new crock pot and it’s definitely funky. It runs too hot and I’ve had it for more than six months, so I can’t return it. It’s got a warm setting as well as the low and high. I’ll see what the warm does to oatmeal. It seemed my daily breakfast of a Kashi bar was setting me up for trouble.

I’m going to try to be really fierce about white flour and sugar. Some people can lose weight and keep it off and still have their treats. Diet programs tout that. It doesn’t work for me. I went two or three years with touching sugar or butter. I don’t need it.
I have to cut back on the diet sodas which had crept back up. Only had one yesterday, and pushed tea and water.

I need to focus on vegetables and fruit. Yeah, I know these are staples but I put them in different order. Fortunately Richie eats more healthily than I do so it’s not a problem. We don’t eat meat any more, just fish and chicken, and we love fish, so we’ll work on that.
I’ll weigh myself every day, to keep myself honest and to help make me pay attention. 247 today. Yes, I’ve gained back almost all the weight I lost . But that’s always the problem with losing weight. So few people manage to keep it off.

But I will. It makes no sense to get my knees replaced if everything else hurts too much to let me walk (feet, lower back, sciatic nerve). Not only will things feel better when there’s less weight pressing down on me, but I’ll go through the surgery much better, and recovery will be easier.

I don’t think I’m cut out (ha!) for bariatric surgery. I expect I’m big enough, but it just doesn’t feel like the answer. Plus, it’s probably elective and I don’t have the money. And I’ve seen so many people gain it back eventually, even with the surgery. I gotta do what I gotta. So I’m on it.

Right now I’m still fitting into a lot of Jenny’s clothes (XL) that she got too skinny for. At least, the stretchy stuff. So I wear stretchy black pants and some sort of stretchy top and sweater and those’ll hold me until I lose weight again. I think I need to accept it as my lifelong companion, this issue with weight. Maybe I need to name her (and it’s a her). Sort of like the Bad Wolf, except she’s not bad. She’d given me needed comfort over the years. She just needs boundaries.

My belly-dancing name was Princess Rotunda. I could call her that. But I don’t want to call her anything mean. She needs a diva name, a larger than life name, because I need to accept the problem and make friends with it before I can really move forward. Chubetta seems unkind, though it’s kind of cute. Got any suggestions?

The exercise portion will come in when the book’s done. I already started swimming again and I love it, and I think I need to add in home in exercises. But I’ll start in on that in a couple of weeks. first get the plan settled. And make friends with my alter ego.