Krissie: Oh Shit

Photo on 2013-07-02 at 09.04 #2 That expression is because all my clothes are tight and it’s my own damned fault and I haven’t gained everything back but I’ve gained enough that I’m uncomfortable and I’ll deal with it.
I’m not sure how it started. How things began to slip.
Well, part of it was most likely my mother’s death, and right now I’m dealing with the first anniversary of her death. Dealing with regret and guilt and acceptance and sorrow, both for her and for the loss of my entire original family, which was already never enough for me (I need family). So today is not about beating myself up, it’s about wondering why.
So, I had reached a plateau in my weight loss, figuring out what I was doing wrong (too many yummy additives to the salads, too many goldfish), and then I think my mother’s death stopped the weight loss. I wasn’t gaining, but I wasn’t losing and I couldn’t spend energy worrying about it.
But come the fall I started indulging. I can blame Kathy’s Restaurant (best diner in the world) for at least five of the fifteen pounds I gained back. I’ve gone back to the occasional fast food stop, though I’ve definitely stopped the french fries part. I’ve been drinking tons of diet soda. I may have gone down to one Tab or Diet Coke for most days, but then I fill in with diet ginger ale, which kind of defeats the purpose.
I’ve been eating candy on occasion. Only when I find white chocolate versions of traditional candies (Kitkats, Reese’s peanut butter cups, M&Ms) because I don’t like chocolate (sacrilege!). Since I don’t like chocolate I’ve never had a candy problem, and even indulging when I saw the good stuff wasn’t a huge problem. Just one more — I was gonna say nail in the coffin but that’s too negative.
Haven’t been able to swim much in the last year. Couldn’t afford the membership at the pool or the gas to drive there (25 miles away) or the time going back and forth. So I wasn’t getting exercise and that was making me turn to food even more.
I also had a stressful living situation which I still have to resolve (we have to get Tim out of the house and on his own), which makes me turn to food.
There are probably other triggers. I haven’t been going insane — I may have developed an affection for morning glory muffins and corn bagels, but most of the time I haven’t indulged. I haven’t been going on binges or stuffing, I don’t think I’ve touched potato chips (or any kind of chips) or cookies or the usual binge kind of thingss.
So first off I need to figure out how to get through the next two weeks, past the difficult anniversary. I don’t want to beat myself up, but I don’t want to give myself permission to pig out. That will just make me feel worse.
I’m also pretty sure I’m sensitive to gluten. Yes, it seems like that’s the diagnosis of the day, and I’m not intolerant. But I have all the common gut symptoms, energy symptoms, and quite simply, if I pig out on straight starches like crackers or bread my stomach will ache, which made no sense to me.
So I need to come up with a plan. Because I’m uncomfortable in my clothes, I have no energy, and I don’t feel good.
Any suggestions? I’m an emotional eater and I’ve got a lot of emotion going on right now. Am I right to hold off until I’m past the anniversary? Or should I slam down on myself right now?