Krissie: Home again

God, it is so incredibly gorgeous today (and will be for a few days). You know, Vermont really is as beautiful as the postcards and calendars (at least it is where I live).
Jenny and I ended up watching “Down With Love” which was charming and very funny, and then she found “Who Am I This Time” which I completely adored. Got to be a little after midnight and drove home exhausted but not sleepy, at least. (I fell asleep at the wheel once, and woke up because of the rumble strip, so I’m paranoid).
Actually, I’ll tell you the whole story. I was driving to Lani’s old house in NY state for the first time, and I was picking her and the girls up to drive to Jenny’s in Ohio. I drifted off while driving and the rumble strip woke up (must have been seconds) but it freaked me out. Then, when I was following Grace, my GPS, I got off the interstate and the damned thing took me to a graveyard. It insisted that was my destination.
I’d seen enough Twilight Zone episodes to wonder whether I’d died on the highway and I was ending here. Creepy.
Turns out GPS always said Lani lived in a graveyard. Or everything since then has been an after death dream.

Anyway, I managed to behave for about half the meals (salad for dinner every night). I tried Jenny’s sugar free brownies and they hurt my stomach — clearly I can’t go back to diet sodas even if I wanted to (58 days free of them).

I’ve got to figure out how to balance all the things I have to do. Lani was asking on FB about organizational software. For some reason Things keeps eluding me, and I forgot to have Jenny go over it with me. I guess I’ll have to play with it and ask her specific questions.

Mini-me likes Asana (which is a yoga pose) so I’ll look at that, and Lani chose Trillo which I have and need to play with. But here’s what’s going on:

1. I’m in love with my book and I want to write it. I go to bed at night wanting to read more of it. That’s real love.
2. I need to exercise. Go to the pool, do yoga tapes, something.
3. We start rehearsals on Monday. They’re pretty intense
4. I’m needed for the chorus, so I have two or three times the rehearsals I would have had normally. I do love that part but it really takes the time.
5. I volunteered to help make costumes. That’s just too overwhelming. I have to pull back, but in the meantime I have to scour my sewing room for fabric and notions to donate.
6. the house is in chaos and I need to keep working on it to make space for myself.
7. I need to be able to float in the pool and listen to audio books
8, I want to pay more attention to my eating. It’ll make me feel better.
9. My BFF is coming home and I want to spend time with her.
10. I want to see my grandchildren.

I feel pulled in so many directions. I have books to rewrite (not major, just fix clunky stuff), social networking to do, all the busy work writers need (thank god I’m not going to RWA).

I’ve got to figure out what I can get rid of, and how to incorporate the other things into a fairly crazy life. (I think I have about 4 days off in July at this point).

So after I write I’m going to play with Trillo and Asana and Things and see which works for my style, and which can calm all this anxiety down. Because the anxiety, which has been plaguing me since yesterday when I filled out my calendar for July) only makes it worse.

Oh, on the triumph side, I have now given up eating while I work. Next i have to stop eating at the computer ever (because I’m at the computer a lot) and then stop eating in front of the tv. But I’ve accomplished some really good changes in my eating habits, and if I can keep making more changes like that my physical well-being should really improve.

Okay, pray for me. I’ve got a lot on my plate. Why do women always think they’re superwomen and can do everything?

Krissie: Bad Wolf Lunch

Photo on 8-23-13 at 9.56 AM Goddammit! That’s what I’m gonna look like if I don’t stop eating. Mind you, I was relatively good yesterday. I had one breakfast bar in the morning, when we went to Applebee’s I had a 4 oz. sirloin and a salad, when we came back I napped, had a couple of pretzel sticks, some watermelon, and then a frozen dinner with meatloaf, gravy and mashed potatoes! Damn damn damn. A couple of breakfast bars before I went to sleep because I had a craving for something sweet.
The bad wolf loooooves to eat. You know, if he really ate my liver like in Prometheus Bound at least I’d lose a few ounces. Not that I’ve been on a scale. I’ve just been eating.
Oh, it could be worse. I chose Applebees instead of Kathy’s because I knew I could get a good salad there. I didn’t buy the box of Madeleines that kept winking at me during the long wait in the checkout line at Walmart. (We had to buy a new remote control). But damn, Bad Wolf shoves food in front of me and nods approvingly while I show down, his jaws slavering, knowing I’m going to be a nice, plump morsel when he finally devours me whole.
Okay, now the Good Wolf is trying to be heard, but she’s got a smaller voice. She’s telling me I did NOT buy those Madeleines, when in the past I would have, and eaten them all. I didn’t buy chips, or take any that Jenny offered. I’d say I’m too hard on myself, but when you’ve been slipping and sliding you need to be hard.
Why do we love food so much? Why is it such a comfort? Is it because it’s the first comfort we know in life after being summarily yanked from the safety of the womb? Is it worse for those of us who didn’t have much mothering, or had a lot of chaos in our childhoods?
I don’t think so — so many people are struggling with eating and I’m assuming (wrongly, perhaps) that more people come from stable homes than don’t.
I think I need to learn to sit down at the table with the Bad Wolf and the Good Wolf and make my own choices. Good choices.
Or maybe I need my mouth wired shut.
You know, everything in my life is going well, so I find something small to fuss over. Yes, my health is important, it’s not small, but I’m also not out of control. Let me introduce Good Wolf:
“Okay, Krissie, you brat, remember yesterday? When a weird looking photo suddenly appeared on your iPhone and it looked like a hurricane photo. And then you saw it came from Erin and you looked closer and it was a sonogram of your grandchild?
Remember Eulalie the Glorious, who greets you with a happy ‘hello’ when you turn her on and gets 36 miles a gallon plus? Remember Richie, who misses you, the yarn, Alex, the book, … remember everything? Stop listening to the Bad Wolf — he’s full of shit. You’re aware and trying with the food, and life is glorious. Now shut up.”
Which I will.

Krissie: All About You

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAThat’s Two Grecian Urns. The play is over, and now I must Clean All Things, Write All Things, Not Eat All Things, etc etc etc.
Calm down, Krissie.
The ending of the play is bittersweet. No, maybe all sweet. It was a fabulous experience, I got heaped with praise and attention (videos coming), but it crippled me, exhausted me, and robbed me of any life. So it was a gorgeous time but I’m happy to get back to the real world.
I started yesterday by weighing myself (oh, the horror!) and making the bed again. Making the bed is usually my one offering to the Gods of Chaos, but I had stopped doing even that.
But now I’m faced with everything and I want to do it all. The trick, I think, is to manage small, healthy portions of everything.
Clean all Things:
Well, start with a basket a day in the bedroom like I did before. As for the living room, it would really help if Richie would disappear so I could rearrange it. Why do I want him to be gone while I do it instead of helping? Not sure. I think he’d complain (though he’s not a complainer). For instance, he does the vacuuming but for some reason he wants me to pick everything up before he does it. That’s 3/4 of the work. I pick things up as I vacuum. Much more efficient.
But anyway. Do I pick one room? Or pick one part of several rooms? Because it needs to be a reasonable, long-term effort, even if I want to do it all NOW. Gotta cogitate on that. Isn’t there some great website with the word fuck in it about cleaning? Anyone remember the URL?
Okay, make another sacrifice to the gods of chaos each day, either one room or scatter-shot.
As for write all things — just begin with some of my writing programs plus a Clairefontaine notebook and fountain pen. I’ve been thinking about stuff for a while, so it’s time to get things on paper. Play with that for a couple of days
Not Eat All Things. Okay, the easy part which is also the hard part. NettieD ( Urgh. It’s the only way to keep track. That, and a tiny little Moleskine notebook I have in my purse (which has somehow lost its wallet in the last couple of days but I expect it’ll turn up).
I’ll talk more about each of these things (well, maybe not the writing so much — that’s already as fabulous as it needs to be). But for the Cleaning All Things and Not Eating All Things. They definitely need a plan.
So, what world-shaking changes are on your agenda? Or little ones, for that matter?

Krissie: Balance

This is what I look like with no Wittle Wattle. I don’t like it. It looks artificial. Guess I don’t get a chin tuck. Not that that was a real consideration.
Okay, balance. I have too freaking much to do. I’ve got to write the book (which is going extremely well, thank you Jesus). I have to input all the info for the taxes (I’ve gotten about two thirds of it done). I have to arrange stuff for the garage sale, which I don’t think is going to happen. I don’t see how it can. I was out there, trying to organize stuff, and it’s chaos. And Richie must go out and make money rather than fiddle with that.
The house is in chaos and it’s affecting me. I just need to clear out the living room — have a small oasis of peace. But I don’t know anyone who can help me (my BFF has crippling asthma and our house is full of dust, especially when you stir it up by cleaning) and we can’t afford help. Maybe when my son comes back he can help. He’s coming back to chaos that for once he didn’t create. It’ll be interesting.
But I digress.

But here’s what I want to do. I want to jumpstart the weight plateau I’ve been on. I need to get the scale moving in the right direction.
First off, I need to find the time to go swimming. I can think about that when I come back from my mother’s service (weekend after this one). I think trying to squeeze it in before hand would be insanity, except it would feel so good. But too much to do right now.
But at least for now I can think about the food.

So here’s what I eat. Tab and a Kashi breakfast bar in the morning. Followed by a serving of goldfish.
Lunch is haphazard. Quite often it’s a lean cuisine. Yesterday I made a mega salad, which was great, and had a Lean Cuisine pizza at night. Yeah, I know packaged foods are full of sodium etc., but right now I need the ease. There aren’t that many I like – it’s mainly Sesame Chicken and the pizzas and flatbread. Most of the other stuff I’ve tried tasted nasty. I used to like the Spanish rice and beans, but I haven’t had that for awhile.
Then I have a serving of goldfish (or two) – I nibble them when I write.
For dinner I make something healthy. The main starch we have is brown rice, if we have it. We don’t eat anything but chicken and fish, the chicken w/o skin. I sauté stuff in olive oil but don’t fry things. We’ve been eating veggies from the garden but that’s finally dried up.

During the summer, while I’ve been stalled out around 225, I’ve eaten tons of fruit. Way too much, in fact. And lots and lots of corn on the cob. I don’t put anything on it, but corn is very starchy. So while those things aren’t bad in moderation, I wasn’t very moderate about them.

So here’s what’s been bad about my eating.
1. Too many goldfish
2. not enough veggies
3. eating large portions
4. Not enough exercise

And here’s what I can do about it:

1. Use net diary. Ugh. I mean, it’s a lovely program but it’s just difficult to go write everything down. Then again, who said weight loss was easy.
2. Give up the goldfish.
3. measure portions. Richie got me a food scale for my birthday and I’ve only used it for postage
4. Need to eat bran cereal but take into account the amounts. I may need the extra-size serving (my body loves it) but then I need to factor it in
5. See if I can at least go for a walk. We live on a hill, so I’d need to drive someplace, but a short walk would clear my head and be good for me
6. Watch the portions
7. Drink more water than diet lemonade and iced tea (even if it’s not DC it’s still diet stuff)
8. Plan dinners ahead of time so I know there’s lots of veggies (?). That might help.
9. Make sure there’s stuff I can grab (hence the Lean Cuisines). Maybe make up a food plan.

I started this because I needed to figure out my own way through the weight and the clutter, with trial and error and hopefully some support and fellow travelers. I’ve done WW so many times the wise nutrition of the program is ingrained in me, but I need to make it my own. Somehow I’ve stalled out, but I haven’t gone off the rails.

Maybe I need to figure out why I want to lose more weight. But maybe that’s for another day, since I have to write, work on the taxes, work on the garage sale, beat my head against the wall, eat goldfish ….


Krissie: Refocus

Forrest Jane suggested I try different expressions in my daily photos. This one is cheerful.
I’m listening to the newest Ilona Andrews book, GUNMETAL MAGIC, and it’s a hoot and a half. I don’t remember the other books being so funny. Really gory, but I’m getting used to that and inured to it, but I keep chortling. Other people might not find it as funny — admittedly the humor can be somewhat dark, but I’m really loving it, and I don’t read for laughs. I love getting them within the character and plot, but laughs alone don’t do it.
Which is why Crusie and Lani are so magnificent.
But I digress. So my lazy day was okay. Didn’t do decluttering, but I listed four things on ebay, listened to the book … uh, what the hell else did I do? I think not a damned thing, but that was okay.
I need to jumpstart the eating thing. I’ve fallen into sloppy ways (too many goldfish) and while the lazy way has been successful, now I need to hunker down and pay attention. It’s too easy to get sloppy, and I’ve been floating around in the 220s for too damned long.
Part of it is lack of exercise, I imagine. I’ll start swimming again the following week (too many appointments this week, and Crusie is coming !!!) I think it’s normal for bodies to adjust to a new eating regime and just stall out, and I need to focus more on the food in order to move downward. And I need to. I’m very happy with the progress so far, but I really think I need to be under 200 pounds. So it’s time for that scale (and Krissie) to move again.
Let’s see, how have I slipped up? Not enough veggies. Too many goldfish. Hmmmm. Not sure where else I’ve slipped. We make healthy stuff for dinner, and I don’t allow myself seconds. Hmmmm. Pigging out on fruit a lot, but you know, it could be worse.
No, I think it’s not so much that I’ve eaten the wrong things but more that I’m on a plateau and I need to readjust my attitude.

And you know, I should measure myself. Haven’t compared measurements yet, and that should be encouraging. One problem is all my pants are too big but the smaller pants I have are too tight (mainly because they’re denim and zipped). And I think I need some comfy pants in a small size. God, that means I have to try on pants! I’d rather try on a bathing suit any day. Arrrgh. But I guess that’s a necessity.

Okay, here’s the plan. Watch my amounts of food (use Netdiary — why do I ignore it when it’s a wonderful tool?). Limit the goldfish to two servings a day. Push the veggies. Maybe more water. And find a couple of pairs of new pants that fit but aren’t incredibly baggy.
But focus. Focus, focus, focus!