Krissie: Random Friday

I’m hoping we’ll be getting some more Brene Brown from Alison, but I’m just popping in here too. Minus three today — could be worse. I’ve been feeling a little morose, so I thought I’d list things that make me happy and things that I’m worried about. I have all these friends who devotedly follow the Law of Attraction and lots of good things are happening to them, and I always feel guilty that I can’t really buy into it or if I do, I can’t spend the time on it. The problem with the things like that (which is a sort of visualization) is that you then are guilty if things go bad. You didn’t visualize enough, you lost your focus, etc. It doesn’t have anything to do with life just handing you hard blows at times. Sigh.
So listing things that make me anxious would be a big no no. But by naming them I can figure out how to deal with them, I can face them instead of pretend they don’t bother me and have them eating away at me.
So here I go.
Worries:
1. What’s going to happen to my daughter? In fact, what will happen if she can’t graduate is that she will come home and finish her degree locally and learn to drive and get to see her wonderful therapist. These are good things, even if I’m not crazy about a refilled nest.
2. I need a contract. Yes, I think it’s getting to be time to write all my books as Indie books, so I could completely follow my heart, but my income is our only income and has been for most of my married life. We chose to have Richie be the main childcare person while I wrote. And I never would have married an aggressive, driven to make money man.
3. The realtor is coming to look at our house so we can put it on the market. That’s scary. We’ve been in this house since we built it (1986), I moved to VT in 1971, and it was where we came every summer. This is the home of my heart, the place my grandchildren live. But I can’t afford to live here any more.
4. The mess. As always
5. My health and weight. As always.
6. My isolation up here
7. Tim really really needs a job

However, the good things are glorious.

1. We have a plan for Kaim, and I’ll be so thrilled if she can see Helene (her therapist) again. I think she has a lot to work through and I’d feel better if she was away from the influence of her roommate and lifestyle.
2. There’s a baby coming! Not only that, Tim is completely involved, he’s wonderful with Alex, and oh, my there’s a baby coming! It’ll push buttons for me, of course, and I need to remember it’s not my baby (I DO remember). And it’s a girl and I get to buy clothes!
3. I want a new house. I want to sweep this place clean and move to a brand new place, as scary as that thought is. Getting back east to my grandchildren and Crusie will be a challenge without much money, and we can’t find a place that’s right and cheap enough and blah blah blah. But I really want a new house to play with. Seeing Crusie play with hers inspires me.
4. Stories are bubbling around me. I came up with a good tweet yesterday (always a challenge), which was “Ideas are like bed bugs — they’re always bothering me, particularly when I’m in bed.” I’ve got so many ideas, things I want to write. It would be wonderful to have the financial and time pressure off me, so I could just write.
5. Tomorrow is my 39th anniversary. I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii to renew our vows and get new wedding rings (I don’t wear mine any more because Richie didn’t buy it for me and he’s never worn one). We’ll find someplace to go out to dinner. I really really wanted to see Richard Thompson, who’s in my area for two different shows, but they’re both sold out. Sigh. Richard is the soundtrack to my contemporaries.
6. I’ve been good with my eating, so that’s a step in the right direction.
7. I have lovely quilts to make.

It’s going to be all right. Gotta remember Dame Julian of Norwich. “All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.”

Or, as Jenny would say, nothing but good times ahead.

Krissie: My mind is blank

Photo on 4-23-13 at 8.39 AMLook, I have no shoulders!

I had all sorts of things I wanted to talk about in the last couple of days, but for some reason my mind is a blank today. Too many things I have to do, too much craziness.
I got almost nothing done yesterday at Sally’s — it was too cold. All I did was eat garbage. Sigh. Feeling anxious and edgy and frantic, oh my. Partly because I got shit done yesterday. Partly because of the time of year. Partly because of the eating.
I know what to do to feel better. I need to write the hell out of things today. If Sally’s cabin is too cold I’ll go to the library. I gotta write write write and then I’ll feel better.
I HAVE to get my medigap coverage taken care of. I play telephone tag with Blue Cross and I think it has to be in place by my birthday or I’m punished for some reason. I have a contract to print and send off. I have an email to send to my agent. I have to calm down, center myself — anxiety always makes things worse.
So, deep, calming breath. Here’s what I have to do and what I do about it.
Insurance — don’t leave here until I’ve talked with BCBS. Print up the forms and get them out (or even hand deliver them if I think I need to)
Contract — print it up and sign it
Email — that one’s easy — I’m just avoiding it. I always think my agent’s gonna be mad at me and she never is, so I’m building it all up for no reason
Write — I need to sit down and plan the rest of the book. I’m at the halfway point, and I need to charge on ahead but I’m being distracted by all this stuff
Figure out what’s going on with my daughter. Or at least make peace with it on my end, no matter whether I understand or not. Don’t ride to the rescue.
God, I am just such a bundle of anxiety today. I could take a trank but that would make me sleepy and I don’t like to unless I’m really about to explode.
I could listen to a guided meditation. That might be the smart thing to do. That would bring things down a notch.
Get the business stuff out of the way and then get to work. Right? That’s reasonable.
Breathe. Just breathe. I don’t know why I’m so insane today (relatively speaking).
One day, one hour, one minute at a time.
When I went to see the new shrink (the one for meds) and gave him my history he said it sounded like a novel. Maybe I should write it all down. Hell, I’ve got too much writing to do anyway.
And everything worrisome is whirling through my head again.
Just breathe. I’ll get through it. Just breathe.

 

Update:  I know why my shoulders are so narrow — they’re hunched, because I’m stressed.  And I just got through to BCBS and they don’t cover therapists unless they’re in a doctor’s office.  I’ve been seeing Ellen for more than ten years, and now I’m going to have to stop.  Tomorrow.  Just like that.

I’ll spare you my language because it’s blasphemous AND obscene.  No I won’t.  Jesus Fucking Christ.  Not right now.

Krissie: Morning

Good morning, my children. The day went fine, though my BP was up (gotta re-check). My rheumatologist couldn’t believe I’d only lost 30 pounds, so that was good. I also went and had a pedicure and decided, in honor of my favorite color, to be wild and crazy. I usually have one pedicure a year but two days after my early summer one I had to carry my mother to the wheel chair to take her to the hospital and I broke the nail on my big toe, so every time I looked at my feet it reminded me (cause it hurt!). Even after I cut it I kept thinking of it. So I decided something festive was in order, and I like it. Maybe I’ll do it more often — it’s not that expensive around here.
It’s stormy outside, and I’m feeling anxious inside. Again. Maybe it’s because my son is here, though he’s being upbeat and energetic and full of ideas. And I’m holding firm on stuff (need to talk to Richie about promises made when I’m not around). To quote Pepe le Pew, le sigh.
So, here’s what I gotta do.
1. Keep an eye on the BP. I was able to drop one of my meds, but maybe not.
2. Keep an eye on the food. I’m ready to go below the 220s.
3. Keep an eye on being calm, removing myself from the current emotional chaos. It doesn’t have to be chaos — I just need to let go. See if I can find some center of calm within myself, since I can’t make life around me calm.
One day at a time.
4. And be a little easier on myself. I keep forgetting (or not wanting to believe) how much my mother’s death upset me, how much the loss of everyone has upset me. It’s a hard, hard year, and according to astrology I’m not alone. I need to stop pushing to be Superwoman and cut myself a little slack.
So I will. I’ll enjoy Alex today and tomorrow (not sure how long we’ll have him both days but it’ll be great to see him) and let go of my investment and involvement in my son’s relationship (my therapist called me on that too). Just let go and let god.
No maiden of St. Trinian’s today. Just a follower of Dame Julian. And all shall be well, all shall be well, all manner of things shall be well.

Krissie: Too many things


Okay, here’s my plan. I drive the 65 miles to the big city, drop a load at Goodwill (why does that sound obscene?), return software for my BFF, take clothes to consignment place, get a pedicure, go to the doctor, go to Costco, come home. So now I have to figure out how long it’s gonna take and what time I should leave and what else I want to do. I think I want to go to Barnes and Noble and the health food store. So I think I should just take off. If I end up having extra time I can always … ooooh, go shopping? Bad idea. I don’t need anything. But maybe I can play. Actually I could use a pair of pull on jeans in a smaller size. Mine are all too big.
But no more organizing stuff, no more containers. And tomorrow I’m … no, tomorrow I’m going to Alex’s birthday party. But after that I’m going to clean my living room, particularly since Alex will be here.
Anyway, it’s a day in the big city, and I think I need to enjoy it. Mini-me was sounding incredibly stressed last night, after a long day of work and trouble trying to arrange my mother’s memorial service down in Princeton. But we’ll get it worked out, sooner or later. And I don’t need to worry about it today.
Today, I will have fun. I will have a pedicure and buy myself one small thing and not worry about anything. Anything at all.
Now where are my tranquilizers?
So what is it about having fun that makes me stressed? Why do I feel like I always have to be nose-to-the-grindstone, both on the house and my work. The decluttering situation, difficult when I started the year, is now on steroids because of my mother’s death. It’s out of control, and I have to do something about it because it’s making me crazy.
But I am doing something about it. I’m taking stuff to good will and the consignment place. Calm, Krissie. Stay calm. I can just feel the anxiety ratcheting up and I’m not sure why.
It would be nice if I had Mini-me or a friend to go with me, but BFF has screwed up her something muscle and it’s like sciatica. She’s in horrible pain and can’t do anything (hence her inability to help with the mess of the house). But I’ll listen to audio books and enjoy myself without spending money. Then again, I’ve stopped indiscriminate spending (though I indulge a bit when I visit Crusie).
Okay, it’s going to be fun. I’ll take it slow and easy. I won’t get stressed and drive too fast and cry, which I do too often. I won’t obsess over things.
Deep breath.
It’s going to be all right.