I love seeing what Jenny and Krissie are doing here. Change is a big deal, and it’s wonderful. It’s also difficult and exhausting. I’ve been through a lot of change in recent years, as Jenny mentioned in her earlier posts, so I wanted to hop in here and give the perspective of someone who still needs change, but is waiting a bit first.
Right now, I do need to lose weight. I need to get in shape. I need to feel better. Drink less wine, less coffee, more water. My eating is pretty good, because my husband is a great cook and for the most part, he cooks healthy, but I need smaller servings. Right now, I’m not worrying about any of this, really. I know these are my goals, I know I’ll get there.
But I can’t do it now, and that’s okay.
In the past, I’ve jumped on the need to change because I’ve caught sight of myself in a mirror, or got weighed at the doctor’s office (I don’t do that shit at home) and I’ve decided I’m going to do it, and I’ve added all the things I need to change at once because I need change NOW and I lost three pounds in four weeks of total misery, then said, “Screw it,” and ate a pie.
That’s not workable.
Right now, my life is stabilizing after years of unrest, and I’m letting it stabilize. I’m going to start running again, I’m going to drink less wine and more water, I’m going to get myself healthier, but not right now. Right now, I’m working on my head. My tendency toward ridiculous self-loathing, and the way I make everything my fault and my responsibility. I’ve been struggling with these things for a while, and they’re almost kicked. Almost. I’m getting there, but I need to get my head on straight before I deal with my body, and there are residual issues that are being particularly stubborn about it.
I’m lucky, in that my husband wants to be healthier, too, but now, the timing isn’t quite right. Our first anniversary is around the corner, and that’ll be a year since he picked up and moved from his bachelor life in Scotland to be a husband, a brother and a father in rural Ohio. He’s been through a lot of change, too, and while it’s been good change, we both have this need to just be still. Just for a little while. And when the time is right, and we’re ready, we’ll do it together. Reasonably, rationally, with small baby steps and small changes incorporated into our lives slowly. If my recent obsession with organization is any indicator, it’ll probably include some sort of charting system. Not with pounds and calories, but with goals. More water, less wine (note, I won’t say “no wine” because that’s just nuts), more movement. More sex.
He’s totally on board with that one. 🙂
The point is, it’ll be simple, small changes and by our second anniversary, we’ll have made changes without it hurting.
In the meantime, it’s incredibly inspiring watching Krissie and Jenny make big changes now. Looking at Krissie, so beautiful to begin with, as she starts to see her own beauty staring back at her from that dreaded mirror, is going to be so gratifying. And when Jenny moves into her new lake house, and her life is so different but exactly the way she wants it, that’s going to be wonderful to see, too. I have the best adopted-sisters in the world, and watching them transform is going to be wonderful.
Then, I’ll catch up.