Krissie: Trauma

Hey, does life with Cats and Dogs also cover our families? Trauma erupted last night, brewing between my son and his fiancee, who is the best thing that ever happened to him. He’s going to lose her because he’s being such an asshole, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Let go and let god. That was always the hardest part of the 12 steps for me. Step number three, … forget the exact words, but it’s turning things over to a higher power, because we admit that we can’t deal with it any more. I do that. I turn things over. And then I always take them back.
So many people have to deal with this sort of thing. Even worse than losing my almost daughter-in-law would be losing my grandson, who’s not really mine. My son met her when the baby was 10 months old, but he’s been in his life almost 4 years now. It’s going to be devastating all around. But I don’t want any kid growing up in the kind of chaos I did. And I think the loss of my grandchild would be gradual — we’d keep our relationship even if the kids severed theirs, at least for a while.
I dreamt I kept trying to catch a train. And i kept missing it, running through the train station, up and down the tracks, never on the right one. And the wrong trains kept coming through, and when the right ones did I was always too far away. At one point my mother dragged me home to water the flowers, and I missed another train. I had to crawl through one train to get to the right track, and then the next train came in on a different one.
I have no idea what it all meant — just a reaction to the trauma, I guess.
One thing if they break up — tough love will be easier. When he lived with his friends in Detroit and didn’t have enough money for electricity I let them live in the dark. I can’t do that with a child involved. The need to rescue won’t be as strong.
So today I have to do the old Al-Anon thing I learned with my brother. The only way to live with the constant traumas and disasters and crises of an addict or someone with completely disruptive emotional issues is to go ahead and do what you planned to do anyway. Instead of spending the day worrying, I need to finish up my page proofs so I can get them to NY by tomorrow. Come hell or high water or trains that I keep missing.
However, there’s one good spot on the horizon. I’m scheduled to see my therapist today, and she has a habit of saying exactly the right thing. So I’ll go there and cry for an hour and then come back and work.
Forgot to weigh myself this morning, but I did manage to empty another basket last night. Unfortunately it’s making me see all the crap on the floor underneath the baskets. I think what I’ll do, once the baskets are done, is go by areas. Starting with beside my bed, then the area with all the sewing books (and there are many), then at the foot of the bed, then Richie’s side of the bed, then around the door.
There will be photos tomorrow, but Richie’s still asleep (he’s not big on trauma either).
I wish I knew what missing that train meant. I can easily imagine in terms of my career, but neither my conscious or unconscious was thinking about career or money last night.
Got my hair cut yesterday while my mother had her interminable perm. Photos of that tomorrow as well. In the meantime I gotta get through today somehow.
Still on one DC a day. Still avoiding sugar and unhealthy fats (though I did partake of my whole wheat potato bread last night).
Sigh.
Here’s to better days.

51 thoughts on “Krissie: Trauma

  1. Hugs, Krissie.

    I think the trains are symbolic of what “could have been” and your helplessness to get there that you feel right now. You have no control over the trains or their location/time table, just like you have no control over the runaway train of trauma that your son is creating.

    • Tracey says:

      I’m with Toni on this. When I was in grad school (going through the “discernment” process of finding out what I thought I’d always wanted to do with my life was not, in fact, what I wanted to do with it), far from my parents and their rotten marriage, I kept dreaming I had to rescue drowning kittens from a river (rushing water) or a pool. Since I knew I felt responsible for my mother’s happiness, if not their crappy marriage, I figured the kittens were my parents or at least my mother, as well as all the other unspecific guilt and responsibility I felt. I don’t think your trains need to be signifiying direction as much as they signify entirely abitrary “shoulds” you are putting on yourself. I should be a better mother to my son; I should be a better daughter to my mother; I should be a better wife to Richie; I should be a better writer; I should be a better quilter; I should be better to myself….and you feel like you’re missing all of them.

      I hope your therapist did say the right thing — all of this will pass, and you will triumph.

  2. I’m with Toni–my psychologist Mom would’ve told you the trains symbolize your trying to control something that is not in your power to control. And you feel like you’ve “missed it” by not being able to control it. Let it go, Krissie–I know it’s easy for me to say that when I’m not in the chaos caused by your kid. But honestly, you have to stay on track and healthy because the only thing in this life you can control is yourself and your reactions.

    Take care of you, baby–you’re doing a great job, so hang in there! One step at a time. Big, big hugs!

  3. Yikes, runaway trains! And just when you thought you were getting on track, your mom dragged you off to do a task! Too many trains to manage.

    I’m sorry for the trauma/chaos. I know you mentioned going back to OA. Maybe a refresher course in Al-Anon would help as well?

    I’m sure your therapist will have good advice. I just have hugs. One day, and one basket, at a time.

  4. It’s really impressive and wonderful that you’re still managing to stay focused on your goals in the midst of trauma. Congratulations on keeping it down to one DC!

    • Micki says:

      (-: Agree with Wyndes. If you can stick to one DC and a basket a day, even when so much shit is coming down, you can stick with it when better times come, too. Caring for everyone has made you strong — and now you are using some of that strength to care for yourself.

      Can I express it any better than Nan? “Stay on track.” You’re doing well.

  5. I know you have a busy day, but if you could make it to an al-anon meeting, I think you’d feel better afterwards.

    Can’t wait to see photos. Congrats on progress. You can do it!

    You are in thoughts and prayers.

    • Ended up with my grandson again, but then again, that’s the one thing I can do. Take care of the kid while my son and his fiancee work things out. Things are better, and I was very wise not to overreact last night, because logic made me realize things weren’t that bad.

  6. Ylva Hedin says:

    I see why you are hurting and my heart breakes. And its good that you have learned that you cant save them all… Its a good and hard lesson to learn. Some people dont want to be saved and beeing close to such a person is really hurtfull, I know.

    Shit happens, it does this all the time. Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. Thats just how this world works. And as shitty as that is, we learn from it. We grow and get stronger.

    You are a wonderful woman and show a strength that not many people have, and it feels like you dont know it!!

    Big hugs to you!!!

  7. Marcia in OK says:

    ((((Krissie)))) and a new haircut!

    About the trains – the harder you try to get that right train, maybe it just isn’t your train. Yeah for already scheduled appoints with the therapist!

    Another basket- yeah! Great job already looking to the next areas, and realizing that small goals are attainable. Don’t get overwhelmed with the “ALL” of it.

    Just do what comes next and remember to take the deep breaths. You can do this day.

  8. Krissie,
    I think the train is Tim and the girlfriend and the child. He almost had it right. You almost had what you wanted — him settled with a nice girl and you getting to enjoy the grandchild — but you missed it. That train is leaving.

    Although if the girl and the grandchild stay in the same area as you, I don’t see why you have to give them up, just because Tim messes up a relationship. Single mothers need all sorts of help. Be that help. Keep enjoying that child. Tim can’t take that away from you. Have a relationship with the girl and the child.

    • romney says:

      Yeah, maybe this relationship wasn’t right for the three of them. Maybe they’re all going to better destinations now.

  9. Sharon Bates says:

    I got my hair cut yesterday, too! But, I didn’t just get it cut in the same style I had for the past 3 years. My hairdresser said, “You seem sad. You need to let it all go. We will start with the hair and then you can go home and start getting rid of anything in your house that makes you sad, is not beautiful or is not useful. This is a new year, honey!” So now my hair is layered, with bangs and she even put in a body perm. I look so different that my neighbor almost passed me by in the grocery store!I even startled myself in the bathroom when I looked in the mirror.

    This morning, I found a box in the garage and have started taking things out of the kitchen cabinets. Who gave me a spring form pan?? I haven’t used it and know I never will! I may not lose any weight over the winter but this house is certainly going to be lighter!

    Hugs to you. I admire the way you are keeping to your plan of organizing, eating right and writing your book even though trauma is coming your way. Instead of curling up in a ball, you decide that you must live your life. I know that’s one reason why I like the heroines in the Rohan series-they don’t let anyone or anything stop them from doing what they think should be done.

  10. Courtney says:

    Hugs to you, Krissie. I am sorry that you’re going through this right now. You’re in my thoughts.

    I agree with the others on their train interpretations. Too many things going on right now for you.

  11. Monica Stecher Braless Betty says:

    Well, I’m glad I stopped by today because I spent all morning Tuesday wondering about my dream about TRAINS! And yes, there were cats and dogs and babies, but there are always cats and dogs and babies in my dreams. And the old boyfriend from thirty years ago was there too. That probably bugged me the most. The comments make sense about trying to catch a train, my bosses were on me about collections Monday and I couldn’t reach any of my clients and I was feeling like I’d been a slacker by letting them get behind. Makes sense to me, thanks!

  12. Monica Stecher Braless Betty says:

    Oh, one more thing. I remember waking up exhausted. The whole train thing wore me out. Did you wake up more tired than when you went to bed?

  13. Krissie, you are awesome. Think of all of the positive steps you’ve taken, and all amidst chaos. You rock!!!!

    I looked up my book, The Dictionary of Dreams, by Gustavas Miller. There are several interpretations for trains, depending on what the train is doing and the type. I think the one that applies here is:
    ‘If you see a train of cars moving in your dreams, you will soon have cause to make a journey.’

    You are on a journey toward better health and organization in your day to day living. All positive. I think the journey is to do with career. Something that is not yet firm, but you will catch it soon, and then you’ll be on the train and making it happen babe.

    • That’s the one that makes most sense, except that I don’t know why I’d be worried about my career after all that ruckus last night. But yes, I feel like I’ve missed the train, that I’m always trying to catch up, that I’m never there when I need to be.

  14. Maria says:

    Big hugs, Krissie. Maybe the train dream has to do with wanting to be on one track, but being pulled all over the place by things outside of your control. Your subconscious mind dealing with your feelings of being derailed.

    I know that I deal frequently with the whole surrendering thing. Sometimes I really have to look at the Serenity prayer and take it apart to remind myself that letting go means putting it all down over and over and over again.

    I love the one basket at a time. I need to get on that plan. Thank you for the idea of just dealing with the clutter in one area at a time rather than letting the whole thing overwhelm me.

    You are fabulous just exactly where you are.

  15. Kim Cz says:

    Krissie, you are doing a great job. The fact that you are moving forward with your day amidst the chaos is a way of letting go.

    I agree with the other comments that the trains in your dreams are your hopes for your son to get things straightened out in his life. You see those things slipping away just like your train pulling out of the station. I agree with Teresa though that just because your son may not have a relationship with the girl and your grandson you can still keep close to them. I have a few friends that have forged ‘family’ in much the same way.

    Hugs to you…

  16. The Frustration Train.
    There’s a book written by a New Zealand woman titled, He’ll Be Ok: Growing Gorgeous Boys Into Good Men
    By Celia Lashlie In it she suggests there’s a time when mothers should get off the bridge there son is walking on, (life’s bridge)Let Dad’s to take over.

    As others have said, keep your loving relationship going with your almost daughter in-law and her son, it’s wonderful for all concerned, but especially the boy.

  17. Lots of cat & dog trauma going on at my place too, preventing me from getting on the computer and checking in. (Yes, the humans, not the 4 leggers causing troubles.) Sometimes all we can do is focus on our own tasks at hand and continue the best we can. Sadly we can not solve problems for others as much as we would wish to. When it comes to our kids we have to have faith we did our best in raising them. Still, the end result is they make their own stupid decisions. Our job is not to let it mess up our lives.
    Should things end between him and her you do not have to sever relations with her. Maybe you have to invite your son for holidays and your birthday, but then again maybe not. Don’t fret about that until the question comes up.
    What do they say about the percentage of worries that really happen?
    Write your dream out in a journal and then take your focus off of it. We all bring about more of that which we focus upon.

    Who needs more trauma and confusion?

  18. Reb says:

    Ouch. You poor thing.

    I dream about missing a plane whenever there’s too much difficult stuff happening in my life, and I’m scared I can’t get it all dealt with in time. Dreadful dreams. It’s amazing how desperate I am to catch that plane.

  19. Kathy Scappace says:

    I personally saw the trains, getting on the wrong ones, missing the right ones, being interfered with as signs of confusion. (Kinda weird because I am a railroad wife) It sounds in a way as if you just want to get out of the situation but don’t know which way to go.

    Please, don’t let this become another thing you beat yourself up about.

  20. *Hugs*. Lots and lots of *hugs*. You are wonderful and beautiful and full of love and compassion. That’s something to be thankful for and, as you may not be ready to see or do that, I will.

    Thank you, Universe, for the amazing person who is Krissie. Please send her what she needs.

  21. “The only way to live with the constant traumas and disasters and crises of an addict or someone with completely disruptive emotional issues is to go ahead and do what you planned to do anyway. Instead of spending the day worrying, I need to finish up my page proofs so I can get them to NY by tomorrow. Come hell or high water or trains that I keep missing.”

    This!

    Faced with trauma I invariably lose sight of what I CAN control–things like what I eat, what I do with my time, getting a decent night’s sleep. Despite looking fine on the outside, inside is another matter….I fret and worry and everything spins more wildly out of control.

  22. The day ended better. Erin and Tim had a series of long talks, he immediately began making a constructive effort to improve things, and Erin was feeling much better. So was Tim.

  23. I wish I had some wisdom for you, but I don’t. I have sympathy, but you don’t know me, so it could mean jack. I have a hug, but I’m Canadian and my short arms won’t stretch that far.

    I don’t know anything about dreams, but maybe your sleeping mind is telling you to forget the dual tracks, forget the signals, forget the schedules. Grab a cab, go the airport and fly.

  24. Krissie, keep taking care of yourself in the midst of the trauma in your blog. I know, for me, it’s one of the hardest things to do, but you’re worth it.

    Congrats on cutting down on DC. I was off it for two whole days 🙂 but the headache got to me today so I swung through McD’s for a $1 diet coke fix. Better than keeping them in house?

  25. I’m glad that things turned out not to be as bad as you thought. And I hope you got the pages off to NY okay.

    I spent the last year clearing and decluttering my house. I found it worked best for me if I picked a room, then picked a section of that room, and just focused on that. Much less overwhelming that way. There are still a few spots left to go, but I’ll get to them once I do my taxes. [Damn–now I’m feeling overwhelmed again.]

    Good for you, babe! You rock!

    And just in case things turn bad again, I can tell you that I met my step-daughter when she was 1, her dad and I married when she was 2, and divorced when she was 5. We had a great relationship (and both her parents are idiots, so the handwriting was on the wall that she was going to need a stablizing influence later on), so I fought to keep her in my life. It took some convincing and some not giving up, but she just turned 30 and we are closer than ever. So don’t give up, no matter what.

  26. Amy O says:

    Freud would say it had something to do with penises and your mother showing up was her way of trying to limit your growth sexually, or trying to force you into a little girl role or missing riding on the penis. Or maybe my mind is just in the gutter…

  27. The key to not interfering is to completely understand that when you let things happen, then your children (or whoever) have the chance to learn how to handle their life. Cause and effect are a bitch but they are the key to life. Not paying the bills? Electricity goes off. No job? No money. Cause, effect. Period.

    I’ve always believed it’s the parent’s job to get their children to understand this. It is not a parent’s job to prevent disasters their child should be preventing. It’s really really hard to let things fall, but that’s the only way to make them not fall again. Interceding only leads to more interceding because no one learns the relationship between cause and effect.

  28. Meegan says:

    Congrats on the weight loss! I made it to 143 (from 183), then went back up to 152 over the holidays. 🙁 Currently trying to get back where I was; back to 148. It’s a struggle, but there are many of us there with you! Good job and keep going!
    My sympathies on your son; I have one who gives me fits, is almost 20, no direction in his life and I struggle not to “save” him. Kids, huh? Maybe THAT’S why we eat!! I know I’m an emotional eater, but knowing doesn’t stop it all the time. I’m craving chocolate! Ate some celery instead. Just not the same.

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