Krissie: The Terminator Part Deux

I sure the fuck want to terminate someone right now. Or at least kick them in the shins with steel-toed boots. Tim has a pair — I wonder if I could borrow them for the next time I go to New York.

But I digress. I’ve been trying really hard to be positive, to not envision bad things happening but keep good thoughts, positive thoughts. It’s been like balancing on a razor. Maybe life is like balancing on a razor — it’s so easy to fall into disaster but staying on the blade cuts into your feet and you bleed …

As you can tell I’m not feeling jovial right now. I’m feeling lost and confused and I can’t find my way home. Hmmm, that was a song by a band called Blind Faith. Do you suppose that’s a message for me? The world is full of signs if we just look for them. Maybe I need a little blind faith that all will work out as it should.

It always does. I can look back at things that crippled me and wonder why I got so upset. I can also look back at pain and still feel that same pain, when I really need to let go of it.

But I digress. I can’t go into details because it’s about That Which Will Not Be Discussed, but on top of that we went to a financial adviser to see what we could do about the mess we’re in. I meant to take a tranquilizer before I went but I forgot, since I was up until 4:30 am finishing the revisions on the first book I ever wrote.

I hate self-pity. My mother was obsessed with what a tough life she’d had. I hate despair. I’m a hope kind of girl, a fighter, a firm believer in my own (and everyone else’s) divinity. I know how fabulous I am – how could I miss it.

And yet there’s a black, greasy cloud-like monster lurking in my room, ready to devour me. I feel totally defeated.

That’s normal, I think. Everyone goes through times when they feel dragged down and defeated, that everything’s gone wrong and there’s no way to fix it. Even the most chipper of spirits has to falter sometimes.

I probably make it worse by hating when I give in to it. And in the grand scheme of things it’s only money. It’s not people’s lives or health. It’s not dystopia or armageddon or living out of a car or being eaten by zombies. It is what it is.

God grant me the serenity etc. I need a solid dose of serenity. I’m not sure what to do right now. I started making a list of all the things I could do to cut expenses. I know hard love is a necessity. Hard love for everyone, including myself.

How do I make myself feel better, take a step back and view things with equanimity? (Since I was 18 years old that’s been one of my favorite words. It’s something that always seems to elude me. How many 18 year olds search for equanimity? I’m a goddess, I tell you).

I’m also a drama queen. I’m overreacting to everything. And I don’t know what to do.

28 thoughts on “Krissie: The Terminator Part Deux

  1. First, big hugs. I’ve been feeling much the same (for different reasons) and I just keep trying to move forward in a positive way and not give in to feeling discouraged.Mostly I just remind myself of all the good things in my life, thereby leaving less space for the discouragement.

    And finally, hugs.

  2. I was hoping this morning’s meeting was start-up for the next musical in your town — wasn’t the last one in the spring? Is that something to look forward to, that has the side benefit of not costing you anything?

    I’ve been stressing over finances lately too, so maybe it’s in the air.

    I really don’t understand why anyone thinks capitalism is so great, unless it’s like that saying (which I’m probably quoting wrong) about democracy being the worst kind of government, except for all the others. So maybe capitalism is the worst kind of financial system, except for all the others.

  3. Jane Doe says:

    Just breathe. Mars is in retrograde and it’s f’ing with everyone I know – we all just need to breathe deep, hang on and be good to ourselves and others as we can.

    I like to read astrobarry, and a recent take of his on the situation was:

    “Mars…symbolizes how we experience aggression or anger when we’re blocked in our self-assertive efforts… and when retrograde, those aggressive feelings which arise in us aren’t entirely sure where to direct themselves. We may only now be noticing anger that was previously repressed, pent-up, and/or lobbed indiscriminately outward. We may suddenly find ourselves furious with someone who never made us mad before. Or we might point our inflamed temper inward because we aren’t sure who or what really deserves it, or out of self-punishing habit (which, under the retrograde influence, becomes a now-blatantly-obvious problem instead of staying an unexamined norm). ”

    • Jane Doe says:

      I should have quoted him further…he also said:

      “we must deal with plenty of moments along the way during which we aren’t so sure—and are instead left in suspended animation, unsettled yet unclear about whether this or that action will indeed ‘settle’ these stirrings or just stir them up further.”

      Which I know is exactly where I am in my life, and it sounds like you are too.

      • Jane Doe says:

        I hope you won’t take all the responsibility on yourself…we’re just in an unsettled moment, and it’s hard to know what to do with what the universe is throwing at us. All we can do is our best, which is what it sounds like you are doing. Deep breaths, and hang in there.

  4. Kieran says:

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling discouraged! Maybe this doesn’t help at all, but when I get really bad off, I look around me for something that’s worse. Like, right now, I’d be thinking, “I’m just glad I’m not one of those people who was on the missing Malaysian Air flight.”

    I know that works for only a second. Le sigh!!!

    Krissie, here’s a good thing: at least you’re not drinking yourself into oblivion as so many people I know do when they’re stressed!!! There are soooo many easy crutches out there that you’re not succumbing to. And at least you’re not kicking someone who’s more vulnerable than you. You’re standing. You’re bearing this burden with dignity. That says so much about your excellent character! In the end, all we can take with us *is* that spirit. You’re still Divine Miss Krissie and will be forevah!!!

  5. H says:

    I’ve been job hunting for 6 months now and yes, the time home with kids has been lovely, BUT. We are broke. I need to work. And I am dependent upon people I’ve never met before deciding that I am good enough for a job I know nothing about to get paid paid money I need.

    It sucks.

    It has been a long, hard winter here – worse than usual. The last few days we’ve seen cracks in the ice, and people are going a little nuts. About a half dozen good jobs suddenly popped up on my radar around the same time. So I’m going with ‘it’s the weather’ as my coping rationalization, and hoping for better prospects once the sun is out more.

    fingers crossed for you

  6. Hugs and love, Krissie. It’s hard to see your way clear when you’re in the middle of the river and trying to make it to the nearest bank. Roll onto your back and try to float for a while.

    And remember, whatever is happening with the “unmentionable” you hold the power. You own the voice, the creativity, the ability to get your work out there in some other way. You have a huge following, so I say explore your options (while trying to work within the framework of what you’re being told…I’m totally against burning bridges) and keep getting your amazing stories out into the world.

    • Kieran says:

      I thought the thing Which Is Not Discussed had to do with family property, etc.! I’m sorry I didn’t realize it was the other thing that Robena mentioned. I still mean what I said, but now that I know the context better, I think Robena said it perfectly. Krissie, this is the beginning of something great, if you believe!!! Remember, it’s already in you!!! Clack those red slippers, Mighty Goddess, and take off into the vortex (not the polar one, please, although I hear it’s headed your way). And then blow the vortex to smithereens. Save a ton of villagers in its path with your stories. Bring dark and then light.

  7. Jessie says:

    It must be something in the air.

    Even thought my good friend has not invited me to her house for something like two years, and has been a little strange/strained whenever I saw her, I decided that she was fun to be around and you can’t have friendships where you treat them as a credit/debit situation, i.e. I’ve had you over once or twice now it’s your turn type of thing. So this weekend I invited her and her husband for dinner. No one else. Just a chance to reconnect. At first I thought she was a little manical. She was trying too hard to be the life of the party, then I wondered if she was on something and I did not know. But after she asked (not an exaggeration) ten or twelve time within about 10 minutes, how old my cat was now (He’s nine), I realized that we had a different problem. And she kept repeating herself. (Her husband said to mine when they were alone that she seems to be having problems with her short term memory and they are going in for a check up).

    We have been friends for over 40 years. She is 67 years old. And one of the most charming, entertaining, witty women I know. She exercises regularly, even heavily, weighs no more than 110, eats in a sensible manner and goes to bed at 9 almost every night and is up by 6. I can hardly stand this.

    • Andrea S says:

      Oh. I’m sorry. That’s so hard. My grandmother is going through something similar. Nothing too dramatic yet, but she’ll repeat herself a lot and forget her purse in very strange places. They have her on medication, but it’s hard to see a very competent woman lose some of that. And frightening to think where it might end.

    • Terrie says:

      Ah. Both my father and father-in-law had progressive dementia/Alzheimer’s. It’s so painful to watch. My deepest sympathy to you and her family.

    • Glee says:

      I read recently about a study which showed that playing music from the era of one’s youth helps in keeping memory paths open. That is, of course, a gross oversimplification of the study but I thought the idea of an iPod with a playlist or two of songs from one’s younger days as a prescription was delightful. And perhaps a help.

      • Jessie says:

        I want to thank everyone for their kindness. I knew something was wrong but my friend while delightful is also known for her moods. And I knew her only sister had cancer and her mother had to move into assisted living last year. And in the same period my mother died (90) from an infection, my mother-in-law (99) died from cancer, I had cancer, a lymphectomy and some radiation and my sister-in-law (55) died from breast cancer and I was trying to provide back up for everybody. So I did not pay attention and just wrote off the changes in personality to “one of her moods” and thought I would make time for her later. Now I keep hoping it is a tumor or something treatable. And when a brain tumor is the best you can hope for, you know life really sucks.

        I loved your comment Glee about playing the music from our youth. But we are baby boomers. They never stopped playing the music from our youth. I think I have taken up opera just to get away from golden oldies.

  8. Eileen A-W says:

    There is definitely something in the air. Sending hugs & love Krissie. The only positive words I have are this too shall pass.

  9. julianna says:

    You may feel defeated, but you don’t sound nearly as defeated about finances as you did last year. A year ago, you wouldn’t even consider going to a financial planner, and now you’ve seen one, and you’re coming up with actual plans and strategies for long-term success instead of short-term survival. I think you should be proud of how far you’ve come, and have faith that a year from now you will have made even more progress.

  10. Bernie says:

    Wishing you comfort, contentment, and perseverance.

    Also hitting you up with a question… I have been overwhelmed with the plethora of your titles and don’t know where to start. What is your favorite book and a good one for me to dig into your works with? (yep I know ending with a preposition is bad)

  11. Bernie – if you like romantic suspense, which is what I do best, start with Black Ice. Psychological suspense go for NIGHTFALL. Historical — RUTHLESS, RESTLESS, A ROSE AT MIDNIGHT. Series romance — best bet is a deal called Anne Stuart’s Out of Print Gems. It has some of my very best series romances — NIGHT OF THE PHANTOM, CINDERMAN, ONE MORE VALENTINE.
    That’ll get you started.

  12. JenniferNennifer says:

    First, positive energy to all the wonderful refabbers who are having a rough time. If I have any magical powers, I exercise them on your behalf.

    Also to something you said, Krissie…. sometimes it is just exhausting trying to force oneself to be optimistic. This is not a new thought, but choose an amount of time (5 minutes, 2 hours, a day, whatever feels appropriate) to give up on being upbeat. Just quit trying. It can be a very restoring break. It doesn’t mean you have to grouse or become inactive, just give yourself a pass on being positive.

    The other thing to remember is to also allow oneself to notice anything nice that does come up during this time – notice it but don’t use it as a stick to make yourself cheer up.

    In any event, I hope our love and support is helpful to you, as this blog is to us.

  13. I am a big believer in allowing for the 24 hour wallow and then at the end of it, I sing the worm song to myself. (Nobody loves me; everybody hates me; guess I’ll eat some worrrrms.) I am generally laughing by the end of the song. These are not the steps for grief which is a different kettle of fish all together.

    I then go and clean out a closet, a room, a box, or something and in the decluttering of it, my brain frees up. Plus, you can always sell the stuff on ebay.

    Hugs to one and all for the hard rowing you all are doing.

  14. Terrie says:

    Wishing you brighter days. Others here before me have said many wise things, so I’ll simply wish you all the best — comfort and peace of mind, heart, and soul.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *