They took my phone from me. Probably a good idea. I’d try to hunker down and work and then someone would call and I’d dissolve …
So they took my phone away from me. I’ll need it back at some point so I can talk to my mother’s doctor. Both about her pain issues, and when you can tell if she can no longer live alone. I was kind of waiting for a fall or something to tell us, or if she could no longer take care of her own needs. But it sounds more like it’s mental health issues for her. She’s entirely isolated if I have to go out of town and she sinks into a depression (with a little lashing out for seasoning). At this point she wouldn’t qualify for a nursing home, but there’s an extended living place with a couple of medicaid spots (she has no money to pay for it and obviously neither do I). In the meantime I’ve got three different people checking in on her, as well as Richie, and when I talk to her doctor I’ll see what kind of help I can get. I guess it waits till crisis level to get me moving, but we’re there.
And my son has figured it’s no use fighting, his life is over and he needs to get out of town. (Told me on that phone yesterday that he’s running away, because that’s what we do in our family — he learned it from me). Thank you, darling boy, for sticking the knife right where he knew it would hurt.
He doesn’t understand that when life gets too overwhelming you go to your respective corners to calm down until you can deal with it. God, if he weren’t so broken with pain I’d give him the slap upside the head he’s deserved so many times.
My other child has backed off for now, so I can put that on the back burner. And I told Richie not to tell me how broken my son is. I can’t fix it, and I can’t bear it until I figure out how I can bear it. So give me a fucking break.
Richie’s doing a great job. And my son will be off by the time I get back — his flight leaves the same morning I arrive home. Hell, and my life used to be terrorized by which classes I hadn’t done my homework in.
I couldn’t even write yesterday — people kept calling. But hey, no phone today.
I’ll work. That should help. Yesterday someone brilliant said I needed to separate my own grief over the broken relationship from his grief. And in truth, right now my pain is more for how much my son is hurting. I’ll deal with the loss of my grandson, if it comes to that, later.
More people go through this than don’t. I need to remember that.
So I’ll work. That’ll help. Horrible nightmares last night, so I’ll need to nap. But this will get better. It has to.
With luck tomorrow we’ll get back to our regularly scheduled “I can conquer anything” kind of day. The sun will shine again, we’ll go to the aquarium and dream about nixies.
Right now the best I can do is not cry.
But you guys really helped yesterday — lots of smart people out there. Unfortunately lots of people who’ve been there and done that and can tell me how to deal with it all.
In the meantime, one day at a time.