Krissie: Ooops

I woke up this morning and decided to be helpful. I’m the world’s worst houseguest — I never offer to help, do dishes, cook, etc. We figured out last night that that’s one reason why Crusie never feels guilt towards me. Because I’m always asking her to bring me things and I always give her such unvarnished truth (though occasionally I try and fail to be tactful about it) that she doesn’t have a chance to feel she’s done wrong or failed me. I just tell her what I need.
However, in an excess of zeal, I got up, started making steel cut oats and thought I’d wash the dishes while I waited. Then remembered a conversation yesterday where I said I never finished cleaning a kitchen, never wiped off the counters so it looked nice.
I decided to do so. Unfortunately Crusie had been painting in the middle of the night, and she’d used a fresh gallon of white paint for the chair legs. And I was just a tiny bit too forceful trying to wipe around it, and ga-thunk, splat, splash, goosh, and “fuck fuck fuck.”
Jenny comes flying up from downstairs, thinking I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.
Makes me feel marginally better as she’s kneeling on the floor trying to soak up at least half a gallon of thick white acrylic paint that landed on the hardwood floor.
Aaaargh.
But the oatmeal didn’t burn, most of the paint is up (though I’m wearing some), Crusie’s gone back to bed and I’m sitting here with the fire, having eaten the most delicious big bowl of steel cut oatmeal (made with water coz I hate milk and always have), fresh strawberries and blueberries and Splenda brown sugar mix. (Probably too much real sugar in there but I didn’t use much).
So all is well and I can settle down and work for a while.
I’m just wondering what Alastair and Lani were doing upstairs while I was having my crisis. Guess they were … uh … otherwise occupied.

High point of last night: explaining blow jobs to Lani’s angelic twelve-year old daughter. (Of course Fake Aunt Krissie got tapped to do the job, and I … er … rose to the occasion, with Jenny’s helpful kibitzing because I was describing it from a woman performing said BJ and Lani and Jenny reminded me that men do too. Of course.)

Fortunately that child’s got an old, wicked soul.

39 thoughts on “Krissie: Ooops

  1. Oh, no! At least, the floor was hard wood. You can get anything off of hard wood or Pergo.

    As for the blow jobs… reminds me of Jo in her lovely British accent, telling my daughter and her friend at the Orlando conference, “I so love corrupting the young people.”

  2. Ylva Hedin says:

    LOL… About the last part… about the paint well if I was there I would have tipped it over. Im sooo clumsy… I think I move like a prima ballerina, when in fact I move around like an army… (not just ONE soldier but an whole troop).

    Milk, I hate milk. My mum always say: “milk are for newborn and calfs”…. 😉

  3. Ummm…sorry about bringing the blow job? (A phrase that would never get uttered in real life.)

    Yesterday, Boy Five was singing, “I’m sexy and I know it.” He’s eight.

    “Mom, if you take the ‘y’ off ‘sexy,’ you just get ‘sex.’ What’s sex?”

    Here we go again.

  4. Renee says:

    Sorry to hear about the paint spill – been there done that………many times!

    Where were you when I was growing up. I didn’t know what a blow job was till I was in college and overheard other girls talking about it – I’m serious!! I would have loved to seen Sweetness’s (I think Sweetness is the 12 year old) expressions during the explanation. I guess that coversation falls under her “you learn something new everyday”. Those girls are going to be so well rounded!

    • I was 18 when a friend explained what a BJ was. I didn’t believe her. Then when I was 20, I got married and found out she was right all along. I’m still married, but also still a little pissed because she had it right.

    • Kelly S says:

      I was a freshman in college when the topic, er, came up. my roommate’s comment was “Who would want to put it in their mouth?” and I pretty much agreed with her.

  5. Tracey says:

    LOL! If I tried to explain blow jobs from any perspective to my 11 y.o., she’d clap her hands over her ears screaming, “La la la la I can’t hear you!” and run from the room. (This has happened.). Clearly she is not ready to hear about them yet…

    • LOL, well, we have a philosophy in our house; don’t ask a question you don’t want the answer to. Sweetness has started asking, so instead of dancing around it and letting the kids on the bus or, God forbid, Google answer it for her, we give her straight answers. She’s fairly used to it by now, and I stammer about more than she does. That’s why I handed that one off to the aunts, who handled it beautifully (and without imposing hetero-normative standards, which I also appreciated.)

      • We had the same philosophy when we were raising Son–it backfired once when the question “Where did I come from?” got an answer based in biology and the response from Son was, “Oh, okay, but what state?” How lovely it would’ve been to realize in advance that the our 5-year-old only wanted to know where he was born, not how he came into being…

      • JulieB says:

        OK, so my question is, how do you get them to ask YOU about these things. I only have one who will ask. His older sisters are so talkative in any other capacity, but the nuts and bolts about sex? Nope.

        • I’ve always treated conversations about sex organs with the same gravity as any other body part. It demystifies it if you discuss it like it’s your elbow. We only have penises in this house (me excluded), and erections happen pretty early on (magic skin!), so we start talking at a young age.

          When they get older, I discuss emotional issues like respect and responsibility when I have them trapped in the car. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve discussed condoms while waiting in the Burger King drive-thru.

          • JulieB says:

            That might just work to my benefit in two ways – I get my point across and my reticent teen gets a driver’s license faster. 🙂

        • I don’t know. I’ve sat her down a couple of times, said, “If you have questions, ask, because if you come to your own conclusions, you’ll come to the wrong ones.” Not too long after that, she was watching TV and Alastair and I were in the dining room and she hollered out, “Hey! What’s an erection?” There was a joke on the show she was watching.

          The younger one hasn’t asked yet, but she’s younger. She’ll get the same talk, and probably never ask us a thing. 🙂 They’re all different…

      • My sisters both raised their children with this philosophy and turned out well for them. Kids asked all kinds of stuff (a lot I think for shock value)and got truthful answers. Okay, my brother-in-law handled the boys (he believes) because my sister (he felt) was too graphic/blunt. Great way to raise kids … to trust their parents.

      • Alis says:

        I got my info from Walter Kronkite. Imagine my mother’s horror when she got a call from the school saying her 7 year old was conducting a survey in gym class on how many virgins there were.

        (Less than 50% if you’re wondering. 🙂 All the kids thought it MUST be something bad or I wouldn’t be asking.)

        Wish I’d had these aunts!

  6. Don’t you just hate those accidents? I missed the coffee pot and fumbled the spoon loaded with ground coffee, knocked it and then the can over, and spent half an hour cleaning up grounds from the counter, the tile floor, etc. I think I was daydreaming about what I should be doing after drinking my first cup?
    Good for the aunts on the sex talk. When kids ask, you have to honor the question with truth. That’s how you gain their trust and keep them talking.

  7. I was very innocent and asked only the bare minimum from my mom. It was painful for us both. I got the rest at school (some actually from the school). When I was in with a bad crowd in 8th grade, everyone took turns explaining new things to me. I remember when I asked — after being told a joke — what’s a blow job? It was all “me! me! me! I get to tell her!” Then I was politely taken aside and verbally educated. I’m very glad I was in with a bad crowd, if only for that year.

  8. Sadly, I am far too familiar with cleanign a kitchen. Frankly, I prefer the bathroom. Less little things to dealy with.

    As for honest talks – I have a boy in my class who is always teasing the girls – in typical boy fashion, he doesn’t know how to deal with the fact that he likes to spend time with them and goes about it in the way of hair-pulling and the like.

    So I told him it is nice to be near girls, they are different and interesting, but not so different that you can’t play respectfully. (We are very big on respect in my class.) I don’t want him thinking that how he feels is wrong and then warping him for life.

  9. Pam says:

    I answer everything my kids ask, too. In kindergarten, my daughter went to school and repeated her super-cool new information to her class. In a very loud voice. In front of the teacher and several mommy helpers. Got some phone calls that day!

  10. cc says:

    I’m a scout leader, have been for years, and there are some things that are still memorable. In kindergarten we had two mommys pregnant, one of the girls asked a question and one of the other girls answered it. Her mommy was a baby nurse/lactation consultant and taught lots of classes which little girl often attended so she had very accurate and very correct information, which she proceeded to share. We had to field some phone calls but when our response was did she say anything inaccurate or use any inapproprate slang and the answer was always no we just said what a wonderful teaching moment little girl has given you. Reminded little girl, now a sophomore in high school, abut this recently and got the stammering and blushing many of our parents gave us then.

  11. janel says:

    okay, am I the only one who learned about blow jobs from romance novels? at least I think I did, that was a long time ago!

    and hurray for steel cut oats! try making them in the crock pot overnight sometime – you can cook a week’s worth at one time. I like cooking them with vanilla almond milk.

    • Raises hand…I, too, learned about blow jobs from romance novels. And thank heavens I did! Had I waited for my parents I would’ve been in for *quite* the surprise when the first opportunity to participate in one (ahem) arose.

    • redwoodkim says:

      “Scruples “, baby, “Scruples.” Don’t know if it really counts as a romance, but I learned a helluva lot from it.

  12. When Nell was 12, they had health class at school. They were supposed to come up with three questions they wanted answered, and then sit down with their parents that night and ask them. “What’s a blow job?” was first on the list. It wasn’t too hard to answer since she already knew the basics, but it still caught me by surprise. Another time, in 4th grade or so, she was reading during church and turned to me and stage whispered, “What does ‘jerking off in the library’ mean?” Ah, the joys. MadMax on the other hand is way too reserved to ask. Like Megan, I have to just start talking about stuff in the car.

  13. Jen Wyatt says:

    I learned about the intricacies of sex from many a hot and steamy bodice ripper in the late 70s.
    My mother-in-law educated my husband by having him read a passage in Harold Robbins’ The Betsy about fellatio while she sat primly nearby and waited for questions. When he had none (he was already familiar with the subject), she said, “I love your father dearly but I am not going to put that thing in my mouth.”

    • In the spirit of TMI, I was giving blow jobs before they started showing up in romance novels. Hey, I only have four lovers in my life and Richie’s lasted 39 years (37 in marriage) so I’m not a slut. I’m just … er .. kinda … oral.
      Damn. This really is TMI. Jenny’s gonna come along and delete it. Maybe no one will notice since it’s at the end of the comments and we’ll be on to other things like make-your-own deodorant.

  14. stephanie says:

    seriously, though, i’d vote for the “Aunt Krissie Explains Sex to Your Kids” Podcast. I’m an ‘older parent’ and I dread with a passion the day that Comfort and Joy are going to ask these questions because – I’ve done the math – I’ll be about 60 by then:) Can you envision this!! In a different day and time I would’ve been a grandma or on Social Security or dead! Instead, I’m having the birds and the bees talk with my own kids and this just seems weird so a visit from “Aunt Krissie” to coach us along could be a cool way to even the playing field – so to speak.

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