Krissie: Okay, sex (x-rated and TMI)

No photo yet. I’m going to go over to the lake and take my picture there and add it later. Because man, that’s a great place to work. I lay on the floatie and listened to BARED TO YOU and had a great time.
So, sex. I was actually going to talk about a combination of writing and sex — it was the writing that made me think of it.
The thing is, my sex life improved 100% (or close to it) when I hit around 45. Oh My God. I’d had orgasms before, but suddenly everything was on steroids. Endless, multiple orgasms. I’m drooling at the memory.
In the beginning I thought I was having orgasms when I wasn’t. Unpleasant deets: I was sexually abused as an adolescent, so that was a stumbling block, then had a series of BFs who could hardly be called BFs. The first one convinced me I was frigid, the second one was a 2 night stand whose main benefit was to make me realize that oh, I wasn’t frigid. The third one started with date rape and it didn’t get much better. Sigh. And do all men over 20 have occasional erection problems or do I bring it out in them?
Jesus, I’m talking too much. Let’s hope no one stops by to see what Anne Stuart’s doing. She’s off somewhere writing — this is Krissie talking.
But luckily I found my husband (I’m keeping his name out of this column even though everyone knows it).
Anyway, reading the way I described sex written before the Big Reveal in my late 40’s is funny. Very different kinds of Big O’s to the ones I wrote later on. The later stuff seems much more accurate to me, with the tingling skin, the endless yummy stuff where it just doesn’t seem to stop. Before that it was Big O and then done.
It almost feels like I didn’t really have sex when I wrote those scenes. Oh, they’re hot, all right. But they don’t feel quite real.
I love sex. I love it with my husband, I love it in my fantasies, I love writing it and I love reading it.
Oddly enough, I’m not crazy about erotica. At least, not until the most recent batch. But that’s a whole ‘nother blog.
God, I could write about sex for weeks. Toys. Erotica. Aging.
You know, this one I’ve pretty much started talking about aging, so I may as well go on with it and we’ll talk toys tomorrow.
So the thing is, sex gets better for women as we get older. And men don’t function as well as they get older. It’s one of the cruel facts of the world that women reach their sexual peak sometime in their forties and men reach it at about 20. Wrong wrong wrong!
Now there are all these articles about women with no libido, and how to increase it, etc. And I can understand that – if you’re working outside the home and have kids to deal with and a husband working outside the home and all that crap, when do you have time to feel lustful?
That’s why romances are so good. I’ve made many a frustrated husband very happy.
My problem is I have a strong libido. Part of the problem is that my job is heavily invested in sex (my uncle called our house “the house that sex built.” But then he called the next day and apologized profusely. It’s a Stuart thing, to say something funny without realizing it could hurt.)
So if I had another job or was a normal 64 year old maybe I wouldn’t be so interested. Or maybe, like Lena Horne at 72, I’d simply accept the fact that women are “juicy.” We don’t dry up as we age (well, parts of us do but there are good creams for that). There are women who are sexually active into their 80’s. God bless them.
My problem is that my husband, darling that he is, is distracted, depressed, worried (he’s a classic worrier). He adores me. Really, we adore each other. But he’s not interested in sex nowadays.
I hint. I place orders. I bring out toys. He’s dutiful. But his mind just tends to be on other things, and when he comes to bed he’s exhausted and hurting (he does physical things all day) and I can just forget it.
Sigh. Somehow I don’t think he’d approve if I took a lover. And I don’t want a lover, I want MY lover. But men go through stuff as well. Body parts and functions change as they age, just like us. And plenty of people stop having sex in their forties.
I don’t want to stop.
Someone mentioned sleeping naked for two or three days and that’ll do it. But … uh … sleeping naked is fine, but the CPap machine kind of gets in the way. You’ve got lush femininity below and Darth Vader on top.
Ah, well. We’ll figure it out. In the meantime, there are toys, which I will discuss tomorrow.
Dr. Ruth, over and out.

57 thoughts on “Krissie: Okay, sex (x-rated and TMI)

  1. Well, this is good to know. My situation of being eternally single is more of a hindrance these days, but relieve to hear I have years ahead to look forward to. Just in case I manage to correct this situation.

  2. Lee says:

    Have you tried massage? If you were to offer to work on him, making clear that (ummm, not sure how to put this tactfully) you don’t expect him to satisfy you in return, you might find that in time (and it may not be the first time, but again your emphasis should be on his needs, rather than yours) he will respond gratifyingly. Foot massage is particularly relaxing … and then of course one moves up the legs, and then starts over with the hands and moves in towards the torso, and only then starts with the head/neck and downwards through the body.

  3. Redwood Kim says:

    Sometimes I just get tell my worn out partner to be next to me while I do the work, maybe just leave his hand on my skin somewhere. He usually wants to play by the end. ANd now I want to, just thinking about it.
    Sometimes, it’s just the getting started part that’s difficult.

  4. Good to know there is hope, just in case I should acquire a lover at some point in the future. Just when I got really interested in sex and started having real orgasms, the men disapppeared. Now I live in hope, and with a couple of vibrators. Four to be exact, but who’s counting?

    I like frank sex talk. It is interesting to me and it sometimes validates me and it sometimes educates me. So thank you, Krissie. This was great!

  5. Danielle says:

    “You’ve got lush femininity below and Darth Vader on top.

    Bwaaaaahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa!

    That was such a fantastic visual!

    But seriously. My husband and I are in our early 30’s and we’re still experiencing the man-is-super-horny-and-the-woman-is-perpetually-exhausted thing. My hormones are also a little “off”, so there are several obstacles to me getting that “loving feeling”, ifyouknowwhatImsaying…

    I’m very happy to know that there may someday be a reversal, because being on the receiving end of his CONSTANT advances, while flattering, is a little annoying.

    “Honey, how you feelin’? You wanna play? How ’bout now? Now? Ok, what about now? Would now be a good time? Now? I’m ready now.”

    Argh.

  6. Lynn says:

    Tie him to a kitchen chair! Well, not if tying people up is not your thing, but waiting for the end of a long, hard day is a good way to ensure that at least one person is too tired. A different time of day, a different place, a different way of getting started…

    I agree with others that it’s nice to take extra care of someone who is sore and tired and depressed (this is the polite way of me suggesting no-obligation-to-reciprocate blowjobs, incidentally). Along with the other suggestions, I recommend renting porn to watch together — same idea as reading steamy books, but everyone gets to share in the libidinous boost. Plus, it’s another no-obligation thing…you know, “hey honey, I rented this video to watch on my laptop, and I’m going to take off all my clothes, but we can really just lie here and watch together.” Ha, I am so subtle.

    Good Vibes has an online porn rental service, with some actual good options (something like a story, reasonably normal looking people, directed by women, and so forth). I know you said that erotica is not your thing, but it might at least be possible to find something that doesn’t actively turn you off, and then reap the benefits.

    You make turning 45 sound very rewarding 😉

  7. “You’ve got lush femininity below and Darth Vader on top.”

    Laughing–or crying–here, this is so right on. I tend to sleep with the covers over my head since I got the CPAP. I DO feel like Darth Vader.

    But it beats waking up dead. 🙂

  8. Kieran says:

    I highly recommend he get checked for low testosterone. That might be it. A lot of men lose it as they age, and the doc can help with that. Depression can be tied into low testosterone, too, and lack of focus.

    Thanks for the frank talk–I love it!!

  9. “You’ve got lush femininity below and Darth Vader on top.”

    This is a perfect sentence. I love you, Krissie. I surely do. I didn’t know I did. But this is the revelation.

    As much as it is your libido, remember that good sex is important couple-time. That’s a big part of what makes you and your man tick AS A TWOSOME, a DUO. It’s the togetherness aspect, not just duty.

  10. JenniferNennifer says:

    Hmmm, turning 45 didn’t work for me. For a while DH was having health issues, and just not up for anything (pun intended), so I sort of gave up. Now he feels better and is more interested again, but I…… I’m with Jenny, let’s go do things with yarn.

  11. JenniferNennifer says:

    You made me laugh, I have so been there – flattered but “oh, please can’t I sleep?” Trade a foot massage for a blow job, that’s my best advice.

  12. oneoftheotherjennifers says:

    Danielle, that was how it was for my husband and me, too, from about age 16 to 38 or 39. Sex was another chore to tend to, and I was always so tired.

    Then the hormones hit me. Now I think about sex all the time. Every hour of every day, sometimes every minute of every hour. I am ALWAYS ready. When my daughter is home I pull him into the bathroom, the closets, sometimes even cabinets. Three orgasms are a given, six are not uncommon. He likes to count. 🙂 When my daughter is away, we’ve been known to shred each other’s clothes in our haste. Yeah, that really does happen in real life.

    He is always up for it, thank god. He loves that I’m like this, although he sometimes jokes that it’s like being married to a teenage boy, I talk and think about sex so much.

    It’s been five years, and my husband’s biggest fear is that one day the hormones will switch off as suddenly as they switched on. I sure hope not.

    But you definitely shouldn’t think it won’t happen for you. I certainly never expected it, but here I am.

  13. oneoftheotherjennifers says:

    My dad turned 70 this year, and he and my 65-year-old step mom still have a raucous sex life. Thank god I don’t have to hear about it in detail, but there are lots of jokes and plenty of innuendo between them, as well as heart-to-hearts with my step-mom, so I know it’s still working for them. Plus, they usually come to visit me for four day stretches. They don’t mess around here because they know I have really excellent hearing and apparently they like to be loud. So while they are sad to leave after four days, they will often point out that they’ve gone a loooong time without, so they’re happy enough to go home.

    Krissie, is your hubby taking any meds? Any at all? Those can have a terrible effect.

  14. Rachel says:

    Don’t tell me people stop having sex in their forties! I turned forty-three today!!!
    Actually, I’m not worried about it; since I hit thirty, each year I have been getting more and more revved up. Poor hubby has to run to keep up. We went through a rough patch due to some meds he was on, and a stroke that he suffered, but he is on the other side of the physical stuff, thank goodness.

  15. Danielle says:

    Oh wow, that sounds like a lot of fun (no sarcasm). I would love nothing more than give him everything his little heart/huge…ahem…appendage desires. I just don’t have it in me (but am on medication, so I have my fingers crossed that things will even out).

  16. They probably won’t. I think i went into overdrive around the time menopause started, and I’m well post-menopausal (I started at 46) and I’m still raring to go.

  17. Oh, I like porn. I know, I’m weird. I did buy a video from Good Vibes, directed by a woman. It was fairy tale porn. The pied piper lures horny prostitutes, with the Frog Prince the princess is looking for the right … er … member to suck (and she tries out a number of them). Trying to remember some of the others.
    Richie had his heart attack about a week after I bought it, so he has yet to enjoy the wonders of it.

  18. Kelly S. says:

    Drinking leads me back to sex.

    (A waste of taxpayer’s money study was done that proved scientifically, like the decades men spent buying women drinks weren’t good enough, that women get horney after drinking. Duh. Apparently it raises our testosterone levels.)

  19. Kelly S. says:

    Happy Birthday! I will join you and oneoftheotherjennifers in 26 days. Kinda sad. I liked being the answer,

  20. Kelly S. says:

    I wish I could take Krissie out for tea or something because I have questions. I want to understand the difference between what it was like before and then after. I sometimes wonder if I’m over on the before side of things. Luckily, I have a great and younger husband so hopefully things will only get better.

    Also, in college I had a roommate who exclaimed, “Ew! Who would put it in their mouth?!” and I struggle to get beyond that statement. Any tips?

  21. Hi,
    A sad, stressed-out husband is no fun in bed. 🙁

    And for those of you who are suffering from such things or simply lacking a partner and don’t want to do crafts, may I suggest: http://alwayseachother.blogspot.com/
    She’s planning to shut down her blog, so go see if you like it and if you do, write her quickly and ask to still have access. Because she’s really just taking it private. I don’t know if she’ll be posting anymore or not.
    And it may be a little too out there for some people, but maybe not.
    What it is, is beautifully-written erotica by a woman in a long marriage. The love for each other really comes through, and the commitment, and I really like that. It’s not something you often find in erotica.
    I can’t remember how I found the site myself.
    But they had a great marriage at first, and then they went through a long dry spell. (She had some health issues, including chronic pain, that she’s never fully explained.)
    Anyway, something happened. The pain was gone. Their sex life went through the roof, trying to make up for lost times.
    Pick a post in the middle and see if you like it. If you do, go to the beginning and read forward. Okay, try this one: http://alwayseachother.blogspot.com/2011/12/hands-fingers-pleasure.html That’s been a favorite of many people on the site. If you like it, go to the beginning.

    Things about massage: when I went to massage school, they taught us that we would have clients who came to see us regularly because they never got to have sex, and human beings are hard-wired to need to be touched. It’s not the same thing as sex, but it’s being touched in a kind way and pleasurable and calming and lots of good things.
    So if no one touches, go find a good massage person. You deserve the pleasure of touch. Plus, it’s great for your body and your mind.

  22. This won’t help if Richie is the can’t-sit-still type but – for years there was a couple who used to comment at argh for Jenny; Marly and R. Some version of this subject came up and Marly became the envy of everyone. She said that she and R made a night every week that they could, where they watched a movie together. They sat on the floor, snuggled up to each other, eating popcorn,etc. Their rule was – cuddling but no sex until after the movie was over.

  23. Kieran says:

    I have a friend in that same situation. She’s got the super sex drive–he doesn’t. I feel so bad for her. But most couples I know it’s the other way around–the guy is running after the girl. I’ve always been evenly matched with my hubby, although we have stretches of abstinence that I wrote about on my Peanut Butter blog recently–mainly my fault when I get out of balance emotionally and then he’s too nice to push the issue. We had great comments back-and-forth about sex and communication, and I loved it and wished I could be a sex therapist and wear lots of diamonds and a white feather boa around my neck and a pink leather halter top. One of my college professors was a sex researcher and therapist. She invented a term called limerence, which is the state of being “in love.”

    Honestly, go get him the hormone testing…there are supplements to help with that. And if he doesn’t want to go, I’d consider getting a 3rd-party involved if he’s willing to talk it out. You can’t have that imbalance for long without big resentment brewing. At least, I would think so. Maybe you two are an exception because you’re so obviously soul mates, and soul mates get each other. I think my husband and I are, but even so, tension can build up in a bad direction if people don’t talk about it.

  24. Lynn says:

    Nothing weird about liking porn! I think I mis-read the erotica bit, and presumed, wrongly, that it was not really your thing. I bet I know what had to be the “right size” for Cinderella, and quite possibly have some interesting ideas about Little Red Riding Hood 😉

    A “dirty evening,” just the two of you and a fun video, sounds like a good thing to me.

  25. Micki says:

    When the situation is reversed, the usual women’s mag recommendations go: men, you must take some of her burden, and help her around the house. Then, start foreplay 24 hours in advance. Women: sometimes you must do your duty. Even if it’s not fireworks time for you, your man needs the togetherness, and it might work out to be fun later.

    So, does it seem weird if we apply the women’s advice to the tired man, and the man’s advice to the woman who wants some sex? I don’t know, it’s always a touchy subject when sex drives don’t match. There *is* the argument that a woman can get a little lube, and just lay back and relax when she’s tired. However . . . if you are going for a clitoral orgasm, nothing needs to be hard . . . sometimes it’s fun to have that soft lovey squished against the right parts. (Although, IME, it can HURT to have a soft lovey being squished IN.)

    IDK, I think I may be on the young side of the menopausal divide yet. Sex is a lovely exercise and brings roses to my cheeks and a shiver through my body, but for mind-blowing, plastic things work more reliably. Or chocolate cake, orally. Although, I have noticed things are getting better . . . .

  26. oneoftheotherjennifers says:

    I’d say that you have no idea how happy it makes me to think that will probably be the case for me, too, but I bet you do have an idea.

  27. oneoftheotherjennifers says:

    I always did this, but I didn’t like it. At all. I got by with a variety of flavored “sensual oils,” whipped cream, chocolate syrup, and a lot of willpower.

    Then the hormones hit, and I love it. I love everything about it- the textures, scents, everything that was so unappealing before.

    I’m not sure that helps.

  28. Redwood Kim says:

    That’s been a problem with us, too. His sex drive took a nose dive when he lost his job in ’09, and it’s never fully come back. ANd he loves to have sex in the morning, I want sex before I go to sleep. Obstacles, we have them.

  29. I was struck by the word “duty” – duty conjures up the old “Lie back and think of England” thing and I meant to bring it back as sex as couple time too.

  30. OMG!!! This was the funniest post I have read in ages.

    I’m over 45 but I still have a kid in primary school and a full-time job. I love both of them but there’s not a lot left over at the end of the day. My husband sees sex as an antidote for stress, which can be challenging to navigate sometimes. Fortunately, we are getting better at communicating with each other as we get older, so the libidio divide is less a point of conflict than in the past.

  31. C.G. Morrison says:

    I think my husband has some of the same issues as Krissie’s…depression, mostly. Possibly low testosterone. Plus, he’s really inhibited, and one of our kids has been living at home (and keeping weird hours, so DH worries about “being heard, being caught.” Me, I figure it’s my house.) So, we end up going long stretches between, and then it’s harder for me to get there, while he’s more hair-trigger. I think I could have multiples if we were having sex more often. Because I am definitely interested, all the time. Interestingly enough, my doctor said 20% of women have increased sex drive at menopause. I’m wondering how many of the other 80% just have had a lifetime of bad sex and are looking for an excuse to stop. LOL

    DH likes sex in the mornings too, but with a job six days a week, I don’t so much. I’m often first out of bed too, even on weekends. I use romances to keep the idea there, I like erotica, we do some movies…we try to make time at least once a week, but it’s been getting harder and harder to fit in more often, and it’s frequently longer than that. Oi.

    Thanks for making me not feel like a freak, Krissie. You know, for being in that 20%. LOL

  32. Reb says:

    Yeah, this sex in the mornings thing is a real problem. I’m a night owl and I have to get up an hour before I wake up anyway; waking up even earlier because he wants sex is a real turn-off. But he’s tired and unenthused at night, when I’m keen. We haven’t really got a solution.

  33. “It’s been five years, and my husband’s biggest fear is that one day the hormones will switch off as suddenly as they switched on. I sure hope not.”

    About four years ago, a good friend lent me her copy of Welcome to Temptation. It was the first romance book I’d read in decades. I had just gotten the last kid off to kindergarten, I was in my early forties, I had lost the last of the baby weight, and I felt…SEXY! My husband soon told all his friends to buy their wives the book!

    Although we can’t always find a place to be alone (holy crap, there are a lot of people in my house), the sex continues to satisfy. He has asked me to please give him fair warning if I feel my libido fading, because he worries about the switch-flipping as well!

    Krissie, my husband just started on a bi-pap machine, which has diminished spontaneity. But it has forced me to initiate sex if I want it, before he “straps up!” It’s been interesting.

  34. Danielle says:

    Are we talking about her not wanting to put HIS “it” in her mouth or her not understanding why he would want to put HER “it” in HIS mouth?

    ‘Cause I have no problem with HIS “it”. Perfectly fine with it, in fact (when Monsieur has showered, évidemment). But I can’t STAND it when he puts his mouth on my “it”. I realize that I’m very strange in that way, but I can’t help it. I just find the idea so distasteful that it turns me off in a heartbeat.

    Obviously there is no danger of me switching over to women…

  35. Danielle says:

    I find that incredibly interesting (the touch thing, I mean)(although that blog is also very intriguing and I will be checking it out, so thanks for that).

    I LOOOOOOOVE it when my husband runs his hands all over me. He does it slowly and softly and my favourite spots are not the ones you would think: they’re along the “underseam” of my arms – the invisible line that runs from the inside of my wrist to my armpit – and my sides. There’s another spot on my collarbone and another between my shoulder blades. He touches those places and it makes me absolutely want to faint.

    My mom used to play on the back of my neck and my ears after a bath when I was very young and I think it imprinted the idea on me that a very light touch = love. I don’t touch people unless I really care for them deeply (giving and accepting handshakes was a bit of an obstacle when I started my career) and I think it’s because of that.

    I try to explain to him that those touch marathons are better to me than sex (20 minutes of touching makes me feel post-multiple-orgasmic), but I’m not sure he understands. The good thing is, I’ve initiated him to it and he’s a little addicted to the feeling now, too. His “spots” are the hairline at the back of the neck, his shoulder blades and his ears.

  36. oneoftheotherjennifers says:

    I was talking about HIS “it.” The whole HER “it” thing… I think it’s a matter of feeling secure. If I I’m feeling pretty ALL over, it can be fun. If I’m thinking about how age affects the WHOLE body, then I’m not feeling pretty, and I’m not having fun.

  37. lol i’m there, babe. full time work, toddler, house, two dogs one of whom has health problems, and a husband who’s gone 12 to 14 hours a day and then wants sex. i want SLEEP like I want oxygen. it’s a struggle.

  38. I love having my hair brushed. I find it blissful. My grandmother used to do that for me when I was little, and I just zone out. Almost as good a great massage.

  39. Jen Wyatt says:

    K T Oslin had a wonderful song back in the ’80s called “Younger Men”. Now I get it!
    As with many other things, youth and erections of steel are wasted on the young.

  40. Kelly S. says:

    I was talking about his it. I don’t want to taste it. If I ever do, it will be with a lot of willpower and after heavy alcohol consumption unless I get lucky like oneoftheotherjennifers and have a hormone surge. Here’s hoping!

  41. Maria Powers says:

    And of course there is the downer on this, my father (according to my mother and the locked bedroom door on Sundays) was a regular as clockwork kind of guy. Vacations were more often which explains the many vacations once all of us were out of the house.

    Then he stopped, for a year nothing. My mom tried to talk to him (he would have been 80 this year) and it didn’t work. Another year goes by, and he finally goes to a doctor thanks to a family friend who is a chiropractor and another one who is a physical therapist. He had fourth stage kidney cancer.

    Apparently, one of the first signs is erectile issues. My dad chalked it all off to stress, and the rest. My mom tried to point out that he’d always had stress, but he wouldn’t hear of it.

    I am not saying that there is anything wrong with anyone’s husband, and job loss does it for most men due to them valuing themselves according to what they do. However, if it has been a while, and you suspect anything, encourage him to go to a doctor. Just as there are many social and emotional things that can cause erectile issues, there are many physical things as well.

    Look at Hugh Hefner. Once he was prescribed the little blue pills, he was right back into bunny heaven and out of the second marriage. Okay, that isn’t what anyone wants for their marriage. I am just saying he was back to his old self.

  42. kate ramos says:

    I solved that problem by having sex in the morning and in the afternoon. By the time it is night and the kid is asleep and we are in bed, I don’t want to have sex. My husband drives me crazy when he starts touching me at midnight. Are you kidding me? So just try switching the time. Plus men get hard in the morning. They can’t help it. So take advantage of nature.

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