There’s a saying in AA (and OA). Beware of H.A.L.T. Halt! Never get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, because it leaves you open to slips.
I did fine when I went to Syracuse, because I had Richie with me.
And I had a fabulous time in Richmond. The air was gorgeous, the grass was green, the people were wonderful. But … I got tired. And by the end of the weekend, trudging through the airport, I was at low-ebb. Had a small bowl of oatmeal and a breakfast bar, hours ago, and … Excuses, excuses. I gave in.
There was a gourmet pizza place, where I could sit and be comfortable. I sat. I ordered a mushroom pizza with a thin crust, after first asking if they were too big for one person. They set it in front of me. I ate half of it, savoring every bit.
I got halfway through, and thought, okay, that’s all I need. It was more than enough.
But I was tired. Resistance was futile. I ate the whole thing.
And then looked up, and the woman across from me was eating a nice big salad. I could have had that salad, not the pizza. Smack! Thwap! Pow!
All right, it could have been worse. I’m still not interested in fast food or fried food. Or in cookies or cakes or any kind of sweets. It was a slip, not a disaster, but it was my first real slip. A big one.
So … I’m definitely an emotional eater. Hunger will get me going, not real hunger, because most people in America never feel real hunger, but when I haven’t eaten for a while I feel deprived. I don’t get angry very often but when I do, food seems a good cure. Lonely — not usually an issue for a writer — we’re used to living in our heads and need a certain amount of solitude, but missing friends could set me off.
And tired. Tired tired tired, to quote Eloise’s nanny. I met the enemy, and I was mush.
But … live and learn. I’m back and I’m bad. I didn’t use it as an excuse to keep on eating that day, I didn’t eat Monday, and I’m back on the track. I think I need to lower my calorie count, though I’ll get on the scale tomorrow. Ten years ago I would have been losing weight like crazy, despite the pizza laps and still eating McD’s and not swimming. But things change,
And I want this belly to go away. It’s lessened, but it’s still too much. That’s my first goal. Then to change sizes. I’d love to get into normal size clothes, not plus. I don’t care if it’s XL, it would still be lovely. And right now I’m just aiming for XL. One step at a time.
But I think I need to reach a little more.
Anyway, everyone has to slip, and I made it halfway through April before I did (the planned treat at Steak N Shake wasn’t a slip) and it’s okay. I had a Lean Cuinine pizza for dinner last night (340 calories) and was perfectly happy.
So, onward! Bloody but unbowed, our heroine braves the stormy waters of healthy eating once more.