Krissie: Friday on my mind


Damn, yesterday was full of meaty things to think about and write about. I think I need to make more of an effort to pick one topic and stick to it. After all, I’ve got a lot of days left in the year (or beyond, depending on how fabulously I’ve reinvented myself. It might take more than a year. And we are all works in progress, no matter how fabulous we are).
But I digress.
Do I talk about the cool things I saw on Dr. Oz yesterday? Or how to divorce my son? Or alone time? Or meditation? Or the purse I just made? Or Alex?
Decisions, decisions. I think I’ll go with how I spent my day yesterday.
Got up, Tim and Richie were talking about school, I sat down and helped, making phone calls, then came into my office to write (since I said I’d better work at the job I had). I’m supposed to let go of the mss., revise it, write a synopsis and get it off to my agent. But I couldn’t let go, and wrote god knows how many words. I was so involved I didn’t count, because I wasn’t going to stop for the day. Ate a breakfast bar, 55 goldfish, and went to work. Came out, everyone was hungry, pulled out the black bean burgers from Costco (absolutely delicious!) and the yakisoba from the same place and then let Richie and Tim have at it while I nuked my oatmeal and went back in. After that had another 55 goldfish. (Goldfish are my downfall).
Printed out the new contract, signed and faxed it. Didn’t go through. Faxed it again.
Emerged, went to see my mother, discovered a form she needed filled out was way overdue, rushed back, found the financial info, filled out the form and sent it with Richie to the post office. Then I filled out the form Tim needed filled out. Richie and I had promised ourselves the movie, so I ate three Thai spring rolls (Lean Cuisine, delicious and only 200 calories). Went to the movies, and god damn it. Hadn’t eaten enough so I decided to have popcorn because The Avengers is a popcorn movie and I figured it was seldom enough that we went. Unbuttered, of course, but still very fattening. And I had a medium sized one and at the whole damned thing.
The movie, of course, was fabulous. Years ago I made up the bumper sticker — Joss Whedon is a God. I still have a few — I need to put one on Thelma (my aging electric blue PT Cruiser with fake bullet holes). Funny as hell. Maybe the world will finally appreciate Whedon.
Came home to my son with luggage (well, a garbage bag filled with clothes and toiletries) in a rage. Pain and grief and fury, and he had no idea how to deal with it. I just keep hammering that he had to see a therapist or he wasn’t going to get any happier. Anger coming in waves all over our house. When he left Richie shut himself into my office with his banjo and I went upstairs to bed (with a tranquilizer and a great audio book). We didn’t even hold hands when he came up.
Oh, and I ate a bowl of unsweetened oatmeal and too much low fat ginger granola on top for a late dinner.

So. I did too many things, too many scattered things, went from cheer and enjoyment to a house full of anger that fills everything and we can’t get away from it. Not directed at us, or we could put a stop to it. just grief and pain and fury. And it breaks my heart.

So that was my day. Foodwise a Fail, though maybe not an epic one. I’m not going to be able to exercise this week. And today is my sister’s birthday. Shit.

I’m feeling a bit rung out and defeated. But there were so many good ideas about finding our zen that I think I’ll concentrate on that. I’ll write, going back to my world in Spain and then play with Pinterest some more. I’ll avoid goldfish or anything else tricky. May or may not go with Richie to Littleton to buy gardening stuff at Home Depot and other stuff at Walmart. I’ll listen to music and I’ll bring my Kindle to NH with me (that’s where Littleton is). Hope to God my son doesn’t come around. Hope to God my daughter doesn’t call me in tears over something I can’t fix.

It is what it is. Oooommmmmmm.
Sigh. We have a patch of blue sky. I get to spend some time in my fictional world that I love. And the day won’t be half as bad as I expect. But I think I need to take flowers to my sister’s grave, and that’ll probably be a little tough.

You know what — I think I’ll measure myself. I haven’t since the beginning, and that would probably cheer me. I usually just go by the numbers on the scale, but the clothes are getting looser and looser. Life is such a mixture of ups and downs, pain and joy. It’s no wonder so many of us feel a little bipolar.
But today will be as good a day as I can manage. I’m determined.

27 thoughts on “Krissie: Friday on my mind

  1. Ahhh, Krissie. I’m sending you all kinds of peaceful energy, love. It’s been a helluva week for me, too. Way too much emotional upheaval, sorting out of relationships, and discovering toxic people in my life. We’re going up to the lake, where I intend to focus on my tasks there, help Husband with chores around the new (to us) boat lift that we bought last week, and enjoy a lovely wine o’clock with our friends. I might even jump into the lake–some people were swimming last weekend and when I put my toes in, it wasn’t freezing, merely chilly. Mostly, I’m going to sleep–I’ve been unable to get to sleep and stay asleep since Monday…I need to sleep…

  2. Hugs, Krissie. It’s absolutely never easy when our children are in turmoil. I’m proud of you that you reinforced him to go get therapy. That’s a fabulous step to take (which I know you’ve done before, but it’s always hard to do again and again when it doesn’t feel like it’s being heard).

    Joss Wheedon IS a God. I absolutely loved that movie, and I had completely forgotten he’d written/directed it before we went in.

    You know that scene (non-spoilery note here for those who haven’t seen it) toward the end with the Hulk. What he did? (I am betting you know which one.) You should picture your frustrations and turmoil and grief as that character and you’re the Hulk. Just picture it for a moment, you getting to do that to your pain and heartache. Gives me the giggles just to think about it.

  3. Big hugs, Krissie. Just think of movement and keep on moving forward enjoying whatever it is that is right in front of you. Forget about all of the what ifs and possibilities and just enjoy the moments that are here.

  4. Kathryn says:

    Heavens to Betsy.
    Well. Easy non-personal stuff first.
    Mandate 1) No more goldfish may enter your home unless her name is Dorothy and she lives in a bowl.
    Mandate 2) Start cookin’ stuff so that you have real food at hand to stick in the microwave (protein,veg, etc). The Lean Cusine may have been low-cal, but probably sodium-packed (as frozen is). So you ate carbs and salt yesterday. ew.
    Hard personal stuff: If it’s a nice day, take some flowers to your sister, along with a blanket, and have a visit. Talk about the whack-a-doodle goings-on, cry buckets if you want. Greeting the tough stuff head-on is always (mostly) better than avoidance. This way shit doesn’t lurk in corners, only to pounce later.
    Go on, now.

  5. Barbara Cameron says:

    Such a perceptive comment about how life can make you feel bipolar with its ups and downs. I’d say that’s particularly true for those of us who are writers and moms.

    I have no great advice because I look toward the next wonderful moment as well and just deal with the other kind. : )

  6. I’ve decided that 2012 must be Big Change year, all the trauma smacking into us at once. Last one I had was in 1983, so I was due. It’s like Life says, “You needed to change, and you wouldn’t do it on your own, so . . . .” Or Saturn. One of those guys.

    Come to Ohio. We’ll quiver together. We sure as hell won’t shop.

  7. S says:

    I like the years where PLUTO grabs a giant mallet and applies it to your carefully ordered life. Yessiree, nothing like a good stomping from Pluto.

  8. Take a deep breath Krissie, let it out slowly and repeat a mantra in your mind, It’s going to be a great day.
    Hugs from me too!

  9. Maine Betty says:

    I hope you did or do take your sister flowers. Because it sounds like you need some time with her.
    And shop for some “real” food. Easy for me to say because I like to cook, of course.
    Life is so complex, isn’t it?

  10. Jen Wyatt says:

    Sending love and happy thoughts your way, Krissie. Don’t beat yourself up about the popcorn and goldfish, just keep moving forward and keep your eyes on the prize. You’ll get there!

    For those of you Refabbers with a Zaxby’s in your area, I had to really fight the urge to get a Brownie Batter milkshake today. Curse those commercials that seem to run every 5 minutes.

  11. Okay, I can’t solve the kid problem — although mine got a job yesterday!!!! — best birthday present ever for me.

    But… we all feel better when we lose weight, and I think I can help with that. From Dr. Oz, a week or two ago, he recommended a supplement that my daughter and I decided to try, and I haven’t lost weight yet, but my period was in the midst of this, so that doesn’t count.

    But I really feel like I’m not really hungry and I’ve gone without eating — without intending to — for about five hours twice this week. Just didn’t get hungry and got busy and didn’t eat.

    So, it’s Green Coffee Extract. Tiny amount of caffeine, so don’t worry about that. Ordered mine from Amazon, Life Extention’s CoffeeGenic formula. Dr. Oz said 800mg twice a day before meals. Worth a try, I think, and not expensive.

  12. Diane (TT) says:

    Well, it’s not me, but I had a Facebook happy early in the week: 2 friends are in happy new relationships and a third is engaged. Pretty striking when it’s the top 3 entries on the FB page! So, 2012 isn’t beating everyone up. Wasn’t it Mercury in 2011?

    2012 is, for many of us, getting off to a rough start, but construction is always messy, so maybe we can think of it as getting rid of barriers and building new, good structures.

    I’ve got a potluck this evening, which will NOT help in my quest to reach my weight loss goal tomorrow. I was there, early this week (which doesn’t count, because my Official Weigh-In is Sundays), then went back up 2 lb yesterday and am 1 lb away this morning. I will try to keep an eye on the sodium, and I am blaming it for the mid-week increase. And if I’m a week late in reaching my goal, well, boo, but since this date is about 2 1/2 months earlier than my original goal, it will still be a big win.

    Which means that I must get up and do my strength training (I already did the 10-minute video that is part of my daily exercise, then realized I didn’t have a podcast to listen to during the rest of the exercise). After the strength training comes cardio (Saturday is the only day I have to do both), which takes the form of a jog-walk to and through the cemetery (no local park). I hadn’t thought of it (’til this moment) as a “do this or else” location, but perhaps I should!

    Blessings and peace to all!

    Luck to

  13. Micki says:

    Despite everything, I can tell you are in a good place right now because this doesn’t stop you in your tracks. You are just picking up and keeping on . . . it’d be so nice to be able to do that whenever life throws a crisis at us! But, some days are worse, some days are better, and that’s the way it goes. Multi-layered levels of good and bad . . . .

    I planted trees today with a bunch of other people, and it wasn’t the debilitating experience I was afraid it was going to be. But, EIGHT people gave speeches before number nine finally told us how to plant the damn things.

    BTW, if anyone wants some extremely strange diet advice, I just got my copy of For Women First. They recommend eating burgers (I think it’s for the zinc?), ice cream (calcium prevents food poisoning troubles! they say) and chocolate cake for breakfast (“cheating” in the morning helps some women keep on track for the rest of the day). (-: I have never seen such an assortment of crazy advice in one issue, and I’m really wanting to try the “chocolate cake for breakfast” diet . . . . Dad is great . . . he gives us the chocolate cake. (Not everyday can be a Cosby day, so I probably won’t try it. I don’t have time to bake a cake anyway . . . .)

  14. Sounds like you did a pretty good job, considering how much showed up on your plate.
    Your Goldfish sound like my cookies. I just stopped buying them.

    I played with Pinterest last night, too. It was a long, intense day and I was too tired to even watch television. It’s a very agreeable place to hide out.

  15. Krissie, you are an amazing woman. Sending you lots of hugs, and sunshine, and good times in the garden and in Spain with your characters.

    Write on, my dear – write on.

  16. Wishing you some peace! It’s so hard when the kids are hurting.

    Whedon is amazing. When I got into Buffy, my son said, “Well, of course. Buffy is like brain candy for academics.” Well, yes. And Spike.

  17. Maria Powers says:

    Nothing really to say that others haven’t said. Sometimes I think what really gets us into trouble is our expectations. We expect life to be a certain way and then when it isn’t, we are sad, frustrated, mad, grief stricken, etc…. I know that there are quotes about it. I repeat them to myself frequently, but cannot remember any right now.

    Have you read the Four Agreements? It’s an interesting book. I read it years ago and need to go find it again. I’d recommend it. Although right now, I think I am going back to Anne Lamont’s Bird by Bird.

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