Damn, yesterday was full of meaty things to think about and write about. I think I need to make more of an effort to pick one topic and stick to it. After all, I’ve got a lot of days left in the year (or beyond, depending on how fabulously I’ve reinvented myself. It might take more than a year. And we are all works in progress, no matter how fabulous we are).
But I digress.
Do I talk about the cool things I saw on Dr. Oz yesterday? Or how to divorce my son? Or alone time? Or meditation? Or the purse I just made? Or Alex?
Decisions, decisions. I think I’ll go with how I spent my day yesterday.
Got up, Tim and Richie were talking about school, I sat down and helped, making phone calls, then came into my office to write (since I said I’d better work at the job I had). I’m supposed to let go of the mss., revise it, write a synopsis and get it off to my agent. But I couldn’t let go, and wrote god knows how many words. I was so involved I didn’t count, because I wasn’t going to stop for the day. Ate a breakfast bar, 55 goldfish, and went to work. Came out, everyone was hungry, pulled out the black bean burgers from Costco (absolutely delicious!) and the yakisoba from the same place and then let Richie and Tim have at it while I nuked my oatmeal and went back in. After that had another 55 goldfish. (Goldfish are my downfall).
Printed out the new contract, signed and faxed it. Didn’t go through. Faxed it again.
Emerged, went to see my mother, discovered a form she needed filled out was way overdue, rushed back, found the financial info, filled out the form and sent it with Richie to the post office. Then I filled out the form Tim needed filled out. Richie and I had promised ourselves the movie, so I ate three Thai spring rolls (Lean Cuisine, delicious and only 200 calories). Went to the movies, and god damn it. Hadn’t eaten enough so I decided to have popcorn because The Avengers is a popcorn movie and I figured it was seldom enough that we went. Unbuttered, of course, but still very fattening. And I had a medium sized one and at the whole damned thing.
The movie, of course, was fabulous. Years ago I made up the bumper sticker — Joss Whedon is a God. I still have a few — I need to put one on Thelma (my aging electric blue PT Cruiser with fake bullet holes). Funny as hell. Maybe the world will finally appreciate Whedon.
Came home to my son with luggage (well, a garbage bag filled with clothes and toiletries) in a rage. Pain and grief and fury, and he had no idea how to deal with it. I just keep hammering that he had to see a therapist or he wasn’t going to get any happier. Anger coming in waves all over our house. When he left Richie shut himself into my office with his banjo and I went upstairs to bed (with a tranquilizer and a great audio book). We didn’t even hold hands when he came up.
Oh, and I ate a bowl of unsweetened oatmeal and too much low fat ginger granola on top for a late dinner.
So. I did too many things, too many scattered things, went from cheer and enjoyment to a house full of anger that fills everything and we can’t get away from it. Not directed at us, or we could put a stop to it. just grief and pain and fury. And it breaks my heart.
So that was my day. Foodwise a Fail, though maybe not an epic one. I’m not going to be able to exercise this week. And today is my sister’s birthday. Shit.
I’m feeling a bit rung out and defeated. But there were so many good ideas about finding our zen that I think I’ll concentrate on that. I’ll write, going back to my world in Spain and then play with Pinterest some more. I’ll avoid goldfish or anything else tricky. May or may not go with Richie to Littleton to buy gardening stuff at Home Depot and other stuff at Walmart. I’ll listen to music and I’ll bring my Kindle to NH with me (that’s where Littleton is). Hope to God my son doesn’t come around. Hope to God my daughter doesn’t call me in tears over something I can’t fix.
It is what it is. Oooommmmmmm.
Sigh. We have a patch of blue sky. I get to spend some time in my fictional world that I love. And the day won’t be half as bad as I expect. But I think I need to take flowers to my sister’s grave, and that’ll probably be a little tough.
You know what — I think I’ll measure myself. I haven’t since the beginning, and that would probably cheer me. I usually just go by the numbers on the scale, but the clothes are getting looser and looser. Life is such a mixture of ups and downs, pain and joy. It’s no wonder so many of us feel a little bipolar.
But today will be as good a day as I can manage. I’m determined.