Krissie: Friday, Bloody Friday

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I go for days being upbeat and cheery, and then suddenly I crash and become leaden and morose. That happened last night — At five-thirty I just lost all energy and interest and went up to bed. I woke up for a couple of hours at ten and then went back to bed, sleeping relatively well the entire night.
But waking up in a major funk.
But does our doughty heroine simply submit to the forces of depression? Never! I called and made and appointment to get my hair cut, I called to find out when I see my shrink (Monday, thank God), I called and got Tim’s phone working. And then I decided, rather than sit in my chair unable to move, to get up, put on my bathing suit and drive to the pool (25 miles away), because supposedly exercise is as good as anti-depressants. And so I did. I did water walking, and dreaming about the book, and a few stretching exercises, and by god I felt better. So here I am, late in the day, telling you about it.
I get to go see Crusie next week, which is glorious. I just realized I have to put my writing into high gear, though, and that makes me edgy, but I was always able to work in Ohio and I don’t see why I can’t work in NJ. All I need is a recliner and Jenny’s got one.
So I’m at page 130 — I want to be at page 300 by the time I leave NJ (on the 31st). Lemme see — that’s 12 working days if I don’t take any of them off. Twelve goes into 170 …. ugh. 14 pages a day. In the old days that would have been easy. Nowadays I’m not so sure.
I guess I just have to be disciplined. Allow myself fun with Crusie but get that work done. Good thing is I love this book, and know where it’s going, so that helps.
I also did an experiment. Problem is, when I write I get sleepy. It only makes sense — I used to tell myself stories when I went to bed, from the time I was very small, so it’s an automatic trigger. If I don’t sleep the night before I get sleepy and nap instead of writing. If I take the meds that are supposed to help me sleep then I’m sleepy the next day and nap instead of writing. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
So I figure if it’s late at night and I’ve been lying in bed unable to sleep I should simply go downstairs and write.
Which I did.
I tend to sleep well at Crusie’s, so that’s not a problem, and she needs her alone time too, so I won’t have trouble writing. It’s a good plan, and it’ll work. It has to.
I think it’s my sense of impermanence that’s causing the edginess and anxiety. We don’t know where we’re going but we can’t afford to stay here (VT is very enlightened but the taxes and utilities are mind-boggling). And I’m screwing up my courage to get my knees replaced next year. Ugh.
But meanwhile, I’ve got to write. And there are good things waiting to happen.
Most of us have such a love/hate relationship with work. We’re the ones who are responsible — there’s no boss, no co-worker, only your own ambition or imagination or even guilt if that works. I use whatever I can to whip myself into my office.
Fortunately right now the imagination is working overtime, and I bet there’s hot sex by Monday. That always cheers me up.
But I guess that’s the price we pay for doing what we love. There’s never any boredom here — more likely high drama. I just have to remind myself that it’s going to be all right. Everything is in the end.
I hope.

12 thoughts on “Krissie: Friday, Bloody Friday

  1. Lynda says:

    Glad you checked in. Even more glad that you found a way to improve your mood by doing exercise. I continue to log time on the exercise bike, which is okay, and also I’m doing physical therapy on my knees, which I hate. Trying to exhaust all non-surgical options before we talk knee replacement. But I’ve got to be able to walk in England.

    Hang in there!

  2. Jill says:

    I sit all day in front of the computer or (when I can) with a book. I have a treadmill that I dust every once in a while. My cardiologist called it “deconditioning”
    I have great respect for people who “condition”

  3. Deborah Blake says:

    Go you! I need to reach 100 pages by the end of the month on the NF I’m currently writing, which I figured out means I need to do about 6 pages a day on average. So far, I’m already behind. Sigh.

  4. Glad you turned your day around. It’s hard to get the writing numbers when you don’t feel well.

    I’d been a bit out of sorts this week with sinus, headaches, etc. but it was due to the scalping of the grass (a ridiculous thing they do every fall in the desert and it takes a week to do this development)where dust and grass flies everywhere, polluting the air, and dirtying up the patio, walkways, windows, gutters, roads.

    Anyway, today it was all finally over so I spent 2 hours outside doing clean up. Then I went out for the day. Came home to find the city truck had been around to wash the roads, so all is really back to normal. Except for my sinuses. But they’re getting better. 🙂

  5. I’m always behind in the writing. I did better when I had people asking for installments once a week. Even if it was crap, or I missed a week, there was always that cheerful face asking if they could have the next chapter. That was helpful. Maybe I should ask my friends to do that again.

    But I’m in high gear on the job search and that takes energy so I’m trying to give myself a break. My kids need braces and the internet company is going to turn off my link to the outside world if I can’t pay them by next week. I can’t so I’ll have to go to my friend’s or down to the school or library to used the internet. So what? Money’s not everything. (Except I do most of my job search online, but like I said – the library.)

    I’m glad you took yourself swimming, Krissie, and that you are going to visit Crusie. You sound like you are in a good place.

  6. Micki says:

    I was going to ask if you were finishing up a book . . . life always seems to go a little wonky for you at the end of a book. Hope you get things on an even keel.

    Autumn is a terribly sleepy time for me. I might be part bear. (-: In fact, maybe I’ll head off to hibernate right now.

  7. Aunt Snack says:

    As they said in The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, “All will be right in the end. And if things are not yet right, it is because it is not yet the end.”

  8. Jenny says:

    I’m planning on getting back into writing when I get home from Princeton, so that should be five days of following Krissie’s good example. Except that I have a house to clear out and papers to grade and I’m really, really tired of being overwhelmed. So maybe that’s something else Krissie and I can figure out together.

    SO GLAD Krissie is coming to stay!

  9. Debby says:

    Krissie – and Lynda,

    Last year when I was contemplating knee replacement, it helped me a lot to have a good friend who had gone through the same procedure a couple of years before. He became my cheerleader and encouragement. Can I be that for you?

    By all means, exhaust all possible non-surgical options. But when the time comes for surgery, go for it, don’t be afraid. I will be honest, the first couple of weeks after surgery you will wonder “what the hell was I thinking?” but around the three or four week mark you begin to realize that you are doing more with less pain than before the surgery. And physical therapy is so, so important!! You set the course of your recovery.

    How will you know that the time has come to take the plunge? When you begin to change your life because of your knees. When you stop doing things that you love because of the pain or being unable to move. (For me it was not being able to get down on the floor with my grandkids anymore)

    If either of you want to talk about knee surgery, just e-mail me. I’m happy to talk (but don’t want to bore anyone who doesn’t want to hear about it. :))

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