Krissie: Banging my head against the wall

Photo on 3-19-13 at 11.11 AM Sorry I’m late — I overslept.
Okayy, just about nada yesterday.
Oh, I should mention I’m not depressed. Cranky and frustrated but not depressed. The Big D lifted sometime in the new year. You can never pick an exact date — just one day you notice that life has colors again.
But I digress.
1. Didn’t get into my office until noon because my BFF came over (and I was thrilled to see her, since she’d been gone for a while, but it threw me off)
2. Wasted too much time food shopping and forgot (misplaced) the papers for the bank.
3. Forgot to pay for the storage areas
4. Bought a morning glory muffin
5. No exercise
6. Grumble grumble
7. Wrote about 250 words (if that).
8. Slept in til after 10 o’clock

However. I only ate the one muffin, and didn’t buy chips or coffee cake or cinnamon bread (I can go through a loaf in two sittings)
I did actually get 250 words done.
I was happy to see Sally.
I’m making real progress on my office.
My son is still missing and a wonderful adult has taken his place. This is months now.

So, there are two things I need to do (I’m trying to simplify.)
Eat right, so I don’t ruin my life.
Once the writing’s done I can do anything else.

Yeah, that’s it. There’s a great feeling of accomplishment and freedom once I get my writing done. That’s when I give myself permission to have fun without guilt.

So I’m paring down. Those two are the basics, anything else is gravy.
Remind me to talk about self-discipline (can’t right now — I have to write a book).

27 thoughts on “Krissie: Banging my head against the wall

  1. So happy to hear life has colors. Even if it’s going to be mostly white (SNOW!) in your area for a few days.

    I find I can apply self-discipline in only one area at a time. Right now that area is writing, so all other areas are going into the crapper. Someday I’ll make it all work at the same time.

    Sounds like a reasonable to-do list you have up there. You got this, lady. You got this.

  2. Barbara Cameron says:

    I know what you mean about your son. My son and I had a terrible time in his late teens and I made him live his senior year of high school with my ex. For years he had an attitude and said I kicked him out. Recently he’s been very helpful with stuff around my house…partly it’s because he’s short on money and I am paying him to help but he’s also been good about a middle of the night trip to take me to the emergency room. So am hoping we finally healed that earlier stuff.

    I don’t have snow here in Florida but man, do we get a version of SADD here at the end of summer when we have hideous hot weather right into October and can’t go outside.

  3. I’m with you on the eating right and writing. After conference this past week I seem to have gained a few pounds. How did that happen? 😉

    Also, I’m back to reading galleys. But, once I sign off it is going to be full out writing for me. My poor WIP has been stalled out so many times with edits for the three books that it might end up unpublishable. It has been the push me pull me, stop, start, book. : )

  4. ((((Hug))))

    I wonder if we get complacent? As in, once you think you’ve got it, you’ve lost it. There’s those stories of people doing the eating plan, lose a few and then eat a chocolate slice to celebrate.

    I think I do a lot of what needs doing and say “I just read a bit to take a break”, 3 hours later, I’m one Crusie (Roberts/Harrison/Stuart/Singh etc) down.

    Maybe discipline isn’t the factor, it is vigilance.

  5. Oh I need to do that. Make writing the priority and then after that I can do anything. I’ve got so many things I need to do that I’m scattered all over the place.

    Get rid of all the junk I’ve got laying around
    go to work

  6. Kieran says:

    Your posts the past couple days remind me that we’re all so hard on ourselves and so focused on goals. I’m going to go on a crazy rant here. Probably because I’m been hyper-focused on goals lately myself:

    Whatever happened to just living? Whatever happened to just waking up and seeing what the day holds? Why do we always beat ourselves up for not reaching a damned goal?

    The goal is to live and do it organically. We don’t trust ourselves enough to let our instinctive knowledge about what we need–from how much food we should eat per day to how much outer stimulation we could use–guide us. We build box after box to rein ourselves in, and then wonder why we can’t crawl into any of them and stay put and be happy. It’s because it’s a futile, meaningless way to live–it’s artificial. Our souls know that and rebel.

    That’s why we feel tired, discouraged, aimless, stressed.

    Let’s breathe. Let’s be. Let’s stop with all the box-building.

    Let’s trust ourselves and let go.

    I swear if we did that more, the entire planet would overnight become a better place in so many ways. Our productivity would soar, but we’d be creating fabulous things, not crap that goes into dumpsters. Our relationships would improve because we’d all be simply living in the moment and trusting our guts and our hearts.

    Now I’m tired and have to go, but I hope something I said made sense.

  7. When you said your son has gone missing and been replaced by a wonderful adult, it just gave me some hope. Minion No.1 is away and it is sooo peaceful. Sigh.

  8. A few more finish up items for conference and then it is my writing again. I can’t wait to write more than once a week. I should already be doing that, but I’ll figure it all out this weekend.

    Here’s to getting back in the saddle.

  9. Maine Betty says:

    Martha Beck wrote:
    Today, if you’re confronting an issue for the ten thousandth time, or feeling that your life is going nowhere, or panicking over how little you’ve achieved, stop and breathe. You’re not falling behind on some linear race through time. You’re walking the labyrinth of life. Yes, you’re meant to move forward, but almost never in a straight line. Yes, there’s an element of achievement, of beginning and ending, but those are minor compared to the element of being here now. In the moments you stop trying to conquer the labyrinth of life and simply inhabit it, you’ll realize it was designed to hold you safe as you explore what feels dangerous. You’ll see that you’re exactly where you’re meant to be, meandering along a crooked path that is meant to lead you not onward, but inward.

    The rest is at:

  10. Clancy says:

    Yay for color. In some ways grey is easier but color and energy are so much better. Even when it is energy to get distracted by all the shiny colors…

  11. German Chocolate Betty says:

    Yes, ours (19) is beginning the transition into a wonderful adult. It’s sort of like the first buds of spring — there are hints and indications. But then the snow comes one again, covers it up, and we have Mr Grumpy whose motto is “Parents Are Stupid” back. Sigh.

    I was home with flu today, but still wrote the guts of a conference paper in my field. And, if I do say so myself, it is an important paper, as it grapples with areas that need grappling, and to which the old ideas can no longer be applied. I think it’s a breakthrough. I am actually quite chuffed at myself. In spite of headache and chills.

  12. Cindy says:

    I fell off the eating right/working out wagon. I’m having the hardest time getting motivated. I seem to have a hard time finding balance. My work is hectic right now, so I’m reaching for comfort food, and I keep putting exercise off until tomorrow. But tomorrow just turns into an excuse.

    I need to get my ass in gear. :/

  13. Kieran says:

    That’s it! But Martha Beck said it soooo much better than I did. Thank you, Maine Betty! I absolutely loved that!!!

  14. G and T says:

    I have the worst time getting things started and once they are started, finishing them. Oy.
    I think for the next little while we should celebrate the things we do and not stress over the things we don’t. That’s what I am doing, anyway!

  15. pamb says:

    So glad you’re feeling better!

    But no, no, NO! Your “son” isn’t missing! THIS is your son, the one he was always meant to be, the one you knew was under all the chaos & crap. Go ahead & claim him! 🙂

  16. pamb says:


    And you said it just fine. 🙂

    Although we can’t live completely in the moment–we need to be aware we have to plant the crop in the spring, tend in summer, harvest in fall–, but within a reasonable framework, I’ve decided we’re micro-managing ourselves to death.

    I suspect it’s increased with mass media. Constant articles and shows on what we -should- be accomplishing, what all we must do to live “right.”

    I think we nearly kill ourselves comparing our lives to the compartmentalized perfection of each “expert” the way young women nearly kill themselves comparing their bodies to air-brushed models.

  17. Micki says:

    I don’t know. I think I need structure and boxes and keeping constant vigilance. If I don’t, I wind up watching DVDs and reading books until the money runs out . . . . When I trust myself to do what’s right, I go into a kind of twilight area like one of those salt-water chambers where you just float and meditate and do nothing. I do no harm, but I do no good, either.

    Vacation is coming up, so I’ve got some stuff scheduled, and I’m really going to get stuff done. I pinned up so many cool garden ideas last week on Pinterest, so I can get started on painting pots, etc.

    I might be depressed. But, I still get happy little bright spots, so maybe not. Today’s random happy: the 9 a.m. weather was playing Monty Python’s The Bright Side of Life in the background. (-: Life’s a piece of shit, but what else are you going to do with it?

  18. Bernie says:

    All I can say is that it is always a balancing act between self-discipline and self-sanity…. and the need for sanity (and paring down) will always win. (:

  19. Chris S. says:

    You can have happy moments and still be depressed. A friend once told me that depression wasn’t always being miserable, but rather losing all connections from the present to the future and/or the past. She could laugh in delight at something, but then that moment was over, and she was unable to make herself understand that she might be able to laugh again. There was only now, which was dull and grey.

    That may not be what’s going on with you, But it that’s what you’re feeling, please PLEASE see someone.

  20. Chris S. says:

    Today I saw a guy walking his dog (big black Bouvier — I love them) and thought, “I want to be more like a dog. ‘Person!’ ‘Ball!’ ‘Food!’ ‘Scratches!’ I want to enjoy things that much.”

    So… sorta like Kieran and Maine Betty, but a little lower on the evolutionary scale.

  21. Kieran says:

    What I love about animals is that they are *exactly* who they are. No pretense. Living in the moment. How wonderful to be living fully in your essence–as Michael Hauge describes the condition of being simply, fully you.

  22. Kieran says:

    Nature has rhythms, cycles, patterns. And we know how structure supports us…look through a microscope and see a cell. Or go all the way down to the atomic level. I’m just saying that we ignore the inherent and slap on an external to our detriment. In other words, it’s already there. We had it all along.

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