My Bad Wolf had a field day with the fireplace in the cottage last week. It’s such a small house that one fireplace could probably heat the whole downstairs, but unfortunately, the Chimney Guy who came to check it out told me that the furnace is illegally vented through the chimney which is crumbling and that to fix it requires repointing the massive stone chimney outside, ripping out the brick and the cabinets and the walls (which I just got finished putting back) and rebuilding everything. Or there’s option two, venting the new furnace a different way and putting in an enclosed glass fireplace that will probably heat the whole downstairs for the bargain price of around $10,000. My Bad Wolf ate big on that one, telling me what an idiot I was for buying a cottage in which everything is rotting, rusted, or covered in mold.
Of course, he didn’t eat for long. After the Chimney Guy got finished telling me what a disaster the fireplace was, he said, “I don’t care what you paid for this place, you got a deal. This is a great cottage.” That’s pretty much what everybody who has come in here has said: (A) this aspect that I have come to inspect is a disaster, and (B) this cottage is great. So my Good Wolf, the one who has a can-do attitude and because of lots of good lunches lately is getting stronger than my Bad Wolf, said, “You know what works in a fireplace? Candles.”
Yeah, you can’t heat a house with candles, but I have space heaters for that since the furnace ran out of oil, which is okay because I hate the furnace and I hate the oil tank in the basement–they’re going out the door soon–so the fireplace is not necessary at this moment for heat. Also next week is the last week the lows are going below freezing, so hey, it’s spring. I’ll deal with heating problems later.
Where was I? Right, the Good Wolf said, “Let’s check out this fireplace,” so we stuck our heads in there and it was a mess, just like the Chimney Guy had said, all the metal parts corroded with gross black and red rust. “You know what would make this look FABULOUS?” my Good Wolf said. “Gold spray paint! Gold spray paint fixes everything!”
My Bad Wolf said, “That’s stupid,” and “Gold doesn’t belong in a cottage,” and “You’d have to sand off all that rust first,” “You do remember you’re asthmatic,” and “This is never going to work.”
My Good Wolf said, “Knock the loose bits off and spray over everything else. It’s not like the inside of the fireplace is going to get any WEAR. It’s just going to reflect candles.”
So the Good Wolf and I wiped out a lot of really gross rust, and then put on a face mask and used four cans of metallic spray paint on the inside of the fireplace, while the Bad Wolf said, “This looks stupid and you’re going to die of emphysema.” And when we were finished, it looked fabulous and the Bad Wolf said, “Your lungs are coated with spray paint and the paint is going to flake off and this was a dumb thing to do also you’re gonna die . . .” and so on, but I couldn’t really hear him because the Good Wolf was OOOOOOOOHing so loudly over all the gold while we spray-painted an old table candlelabra I had and put candles on it.
Here’s the fireplace:
I think the Good Wolf is right: gold spray paint fixes everything.
How did you and your good wolf make gold this week?