Crazy day today. I’ve been on the verge of tears alternating with feeling happy and hopeful. I think the chronic pain has a lot to do with it (I really can’t use my right arm at all nowadays) plus the hoo-rah about Tim leaving, and he had an emotional relapse (brought on by the stress of the Big Change) which gave me flashbacks. You have no idea how bad it was last winter. I’m pretty sure we shut Refab down around that time, so you didn’t have to hear the bloody details. I don’t know if I was in any shape to pass on the bloody details.
But in general he’s so much better. And I have to let go and let God.
Tomorrow we have our small thanksgiving, and I think we’ll watch Tomorrowland. But in the meantime, I’m going to list everything I’m grateful for.
Richie, for everything. Daniel who’s happy and employed. Tim who’s made huge leaps and bounds in the last six months. My grandchildren. All the cats and dogs I’ve had over the years (I need a new fur baby or two). My gift. The fact that I’ve been able to make a living from it. the stories I’m still in love with. Audio books. My sister and brother and mother and father and nephew and cousin, all gone now. I’m grateful I had them for as long as I did, and I’m not longer pissed off at them for dying. Mini-me. Vermont. Washington State. GAAR (the theater group I’m part of). My laptop. Sewing machines. Crusie. (This is not in order of importance — I don’t cherish sewing machines more than Crusie). Books. Movies and tv. Stories. Shakespeare. Singing. My cousins. My iPad. Al-anon. Tom Hiddleston. Spike. Daniel Day-Lewis in Last of the Mohicans. Alan Rickman. Princeton (with all its drawbacks). Drugs that improve things (pain, tension, depression). Music, oh, god, music! Hell, Derek Hough and Bindi winning Dancing with the Stars. Sally and Lani. Not having ovarian cancer. Vintage dolls. Romex. Venice. Japan. Spain. Being off diet sodas. Never having smoked or done acid (figured I was too crazy to begin with). La Boheme. Ballet. Miss Tatlock’s Millions. Georgette Heyer. Mary Stewart. Judith Ivory and Laura Kinsale. Good Vibrations. (the store, not the song, though the song is wonderful too). San Francisco. The lake. Bob Dylan.
There’s so much more. Anything I think of makes me feel gratitude, because even the bad stuff brings good with it. I could bitch about all the things that are wrong about everything I’ve listed — I think it was Abraham Lincoln who said “people are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Or something like that. With a little help from Effexor and Wellbutrin, of course.
Christmas! Did I mention how much I love Christmas? And Refab, which gives me far more than I put out there. And then there’s Tom Hiddleston.