Can’t put this on Facebook but I just had a medical professional be sensible about opioids. First, some history. About 8 years ago I had a crisis with my legs, and could barely walk. I went to see a rheumatologist, who put me on 15 mg. of Vicodin a day. I slept in a recliner for five months, used a walker to get to the bathroom, and barely moved. She upped the Vicodin to 30 mg. and I slowly got better. I cut back the stuff in the daytime, taking it once a day and once a night instead of twice a day. Then I cut it out during the day and just took took 2 pills at night. at night. A 20 day supply lasted me a month and a half, but things got worse in the country and everyone got fussy. I tried to explain that I don’t get any positive feeling from them – apparently addicts get some kind of “warm” feeling or something. Doesn’t do a thing to me. I also am totally lacking the addictive gene.
They don’t listen. They’re so used to justifications and people playing games (and opioid addiction is a tragic, terrible disease) that whatever I said went over their heads. After 8 or more years on the stuff, with me decreasing the dose, they still thought I could get addicted. And they started giving me stuff that tears my stomach up again as an alternative (hence me feeling like shit for the last week).
However, I did realize I got so twitchy and defensive about the meds because everyone else in my family was addicted to them, as well as tranquilizers and alcohol. I somehow missed that addictive gene (or maybe it wasn’t genetic and I just had a different personality). But I felt like I was being accused of it and it pushed my buttons. Once I realized that was my problem I chilled. And since they were so worried I cut my meds down again to 5mg a day with no ill effects.
I just talked to a nurse about my latest run-in with NSAIDS and she talked about maybe I should consider taking a smaller dose of vicodin during the day.. I said I didn’t want to and she asked if it made me drowsy. I said no (it doesn’t – I drive, I act, I write with no dulling of senses). I just didn’t want to take more meds – I’m used to living with a certain amount of pain.
But finally someone open-minded! It was so refreshing for someone to suggest upping the meds (even though I didn’t want to do so, but meds, despite their dangers, are to make things better and sometimes people need more. I just don’t want to take more).
And I no longer have to feel so defensive now I realize where that’s coming from with me. They can pass judgment all they want and suspect me of furtive behavior. It’s annoying that they can’t get over it but fortunately, I can.
Hell, growing older ain’t for sissies!
I’m at Crusie’s. I came down to drive her to the eye doctor (she might have to get a shot in the eye – at the very least she’ll be dilated and god knows how hard it is to drive dilated. (And no, I never had babies so I’m not thinking about dilated cervices and childbirth). Stopped at Hobby Lobby on the way, beating myself up as I did (I know, I know, morally indefensible, but it’s the only one in the state and there are some things that can’t be f0und elsewhere. At least I didn’t give those judgmental bastards very much money). Anyway, listened to the end of DIRTY by Kylie Scott and it was excellent! Then started White Hot by Ilona Andrews, a book I’ve been waiting for, forever, and it’s as good as I hoped. Went through cloudbursts with zero visibility, got down here about 4:30 (left at 9 am). So good to be here – I was really in the mood to be here. Well, I always am, but for some reason I was particularly psyched.
We went to Applebees, came back, talked talked talked and then headed to bed. I know, not terribly exciting but I thought y’all would like to hear how we hang out. “You know you’re good friends when one of you comes to visit and you both nap.” That’s Jenny and me.
Today we wait for the arrival of her brand new iPad Pro. I’m so excited – more than she is, I think. I’m about to do some writing (this is procrastinating) and later we’ll crochet and watch tv – tomorrow the eye doctor. Life is good.
Funny thing – the moment I arrive Milton must sit beside me. He ignores Jenny but has to cuddle with me.
In fact, I seem to draw small children and pets to me – that is really a glorious compliment!
Anyway, I’ll give you updates, but basically we’re going to eat and shop and crochet and watch television, rinse, repeat. It is such a fucking treat to have a BFF, and I’ve actually got two – a legacy one and a new (30 years or so) one. I live in a tiny town and a tiny state where I don’t really have anyone to go to the movies with, go shopping with, except Richie, who keeps me divinely happy but sometimes you just need another woman. Crusie in NJ is worth half a dozen in Vermont – I go for quality, not quantity (though I’d accept quantity too – I’m just a nice, friendly person).
And you know, I’m not sure I need to reinvent my fabulousness. I’m pretty fucking fabulous already.
As are we all. I think maybe we don’t need to reinvent as much as recognize. Though maybe it has to do with the time in one’s life. We started this 5 years ago, when Jenny and I were looking at 65 and Lani was newly divorced. It was time to reinvent ourselves. Jenny moved, Lani … er … made a mistake, but she’s golden now, and I needed to get out from under a cloud. We’ve gone through a lot of shit in the meantime, but we really are fabulous.
So – let’s claim a bit of fabulousness every day, because we all have it. Name one fabulous thing about yourself. It can be tiny or huge (I’m not talking body parts). I’ll start.
I have great hair. It’s no big deal, nature gave it to me, but still, it’s wonderful and I celebrate it!
Not sure where this will go – I’m making it up as I go along. Maybe Wednesday will be our official Claim your Fabulous day. Or hell, maybe every day. Gratitude, always an important thing, is implicit. But sometimes you just gotta celebrate!
So I’m here in NJ where we’ve been having a Gathering of the Goddesses, including Lani and her two amazing daughters, Sweetness and Light. I hadn’t seen the girls for years, and I still thought of them as around 11 and 13, which was way off – they’re now 15 and just-turned 18 and they are admirably fierce. Sweetness got her nose pierced for her birthday, the fearless creature, and Light kicks butt (in a thoroughly charming way). Lani, of course, is the goddess she is, with a great streak of pinkish-purple in her hair. She’s got a fabulous job, a fabulously empty bed no longer filled with a faux-Scots wanker, and life is good.
I got here on Wednesday, drove Jenny to the eye doctor on Thursday and on Friday we played. Saturday Lani & Co. arrived and we went out to breakfast, where Jenny terrorized me. Of course, I’d been jabbering in Danish at her for two days so it’s no wonder she was looking a little glassy-eyed and and thinking wistfully about “Saw II: The Reckoning.”
We ate too much at breakfast, then Crusie crashed, Sweetness and Light crashed and Lani and I went shopping. (When the going gets tough the tough go shopping).
And we returned for the Great Yarn Beatdown, similar to this summer’s Great Fabric Beatdown.
First of all, Jenny’s got a stash that she’d never get through if she lives until 100, and the sheer amounts are crushing her. So she’s doing slash and burn – she’ll still need to go through things again, but right now she’s made a huge difference, and Lani went home with a bag of yarn, a half finished sock (her knitting is phenomenal) plus a new Crusie purse that I reluctantly passed over (happily Crusie showers me with treasures, so I was willing to give it up since I already have the Disney Villains on my usual purse.) So we came back from brunch at Kathy’s and Jenny attacked the pile.
It’s been a massive undertaking. The girls played outside with the dogs (Jenny’s house is basically a tiny house full of treasures and magic) while Lani knitted and I crocheted.
So I’ve got a dozen trash bags full of yarn (plus a car loaded with other goodies). Which means I can crochet madly while listening to audiobooks, which I need to do because I need many ways to wallow in story. I’ll be showing you my creations and the books that I read – hey, maybe I’ll even do that on Facebook.
Anyway, Lani and the girls left (sob) and we were all set to watch “Moana” when we had an epic brown-out and we both toddled off to bed. Today, more yarn, then (heehaw) clothes. Tomorrow I head back home.
Anyway, peaceful goddess time in NJ (we weren’t in the mood for wild right now) and we have to do it again. Maybe next time with tattoos.
So, with all this excitement I gotta ask – what’s on your agenda?
So, the photo on the right is today, 2017. The photos on the left are, on top, me from 2012, when I’d lost a lot of weight, and 2013, when I gained it all back. If I get to the other computer I’ll see if I can find photos from the same day in ’14, ’15 and ’16. I never realized when I started putting up photos that I’d end up with such an interesting resource.
So, anyway, how did you guys survive the blizzard, those of you who had it? We got thirty inches or more, coming down at 4 inches per hour at times, with a strong wind. Every school in the state was closed, and we know how to deal with snow in Vermont. Now we’re opening windows (it’s only 50 or so but it’s nice to get fresh air.)
Speaking of being fabulous, I’ve decided I have to go back swimming again. I feel like I’m living in a coffin-shaped box – that’s about how much I move and can move. It’s only in the water that I can really stretch out. It takes time and money, but neither price is crushing (I can swim for $100 for 6 months and the pool is available from 6 am to 8 pm (with two hours off in the afternoon for students). The drive takes about half an hour, but if I lived in NYC or near traffic it would take that long or longer – it’s 24 miles away). All the time changing and showering is time I don’t waste at home doing the same thing (I go under the shower before I get in the pool). I can’t walk, my replaced shoulder is incredibly stiff and painful, and I my body’s become a prison. Plus, I won’t get all the exercise I usually get in the summer when I’m acting. Gotta do something.
The weight is staying off (though not dropping lower – it would be lovely to drop below 220 and stay there.) My big goal is to get below 200 and stay there for a while. I guess I need to put a little more effort into it, but right now it’s absolutely painless – I don’t lust for sugar and fried food and huge amounts. But I could probably cut healthy carbs back a little.
It’s nice when it’s no longer vanity motivating me. My relationship with vanity has always been contentious (I think that’s true for most people). My sister was beautiful, and she always made it clear that she was the pretty one. That backfired because she started feeling that being pretty was her only value, and she basically ate herself to death (it said her death was caused by COPD complicated by obesity). And in fact I’ve been going through old photos and looking at myself dispassionately and realizing I’ve always felt way too negative about myself. I remember about 50 years ago Buffalo Springfield had a song about “pretty girl, why not love me?” and I wept because I wasn’t a pretty girl. And you know, I was. Almost all 18 year old girls are.
Feeling good feels a lot better than looking good, and that’s my goal. Tomorrow I will lumber onto the scale – nope, that’s too negative. I will trip lightly onto the scale, face the music, and move on.
I can’t fix everything (there’s a stunner!) and I can’t fix much, but there are things I can do.
So tell me, what’s up for you guys? Anyone serious about their weight and their mobility right now? Or is work a major consideration? Family? I’ve got all three things pulling at me, and the body tends to be the first thing to go by the wayside but I’ve got to spend time on me if I want to do all those other things. Seems I’ve got energy right now.
So … wassup?
It’s the crack of dawn. Sleep has been elusive this week – Tim’s out of the hospital (he stayed two extra days, thank god) and … unstable. Some days he sounds close to okay, but then I get messages that I have to call a woman in town, right away (It was midnight) and tell her that her daughter’s body was in a landfill in Chicago.
We’re surviving. This week – a NAMI meeting, see my shrink, write and sew. And survive. I’ll come back and tell you more later – right now I’ve had less than five hours sleep and I’m crashing.
More Christmas stories, please.
So, this weekend I brought the three giant tubs of notions etc. into my bedroom and dumped everything on the bed. Actually, most of the stuff inside were trips – bias tape, piping, zippers, hooks and eyes, buttons, etc. I started organizing everything into 1 and 2 gallon zip-lock bags, throwing stuff out, and brought it down to one tub of sorted bags. Down in the basement I have all the more important notions, and I’ll drag those up eventually. In the meantime, I have a tall, skinny cheap bookcase in the hall, and I thought I’d bring that in to put between the window and the sewing station and store the notions etc. in shoebox size containers (I have tons) which will clean that up. It’s coming along!
After that it’ll be the Great Linens Beat-Down (I’ve got Tim’s room filled with laundry baskets of sheets, towels, etc., and I’ve already given tons away. Again, it’s a combination of my being a magpie and everyone else dying. I end up with some really nice sheets that I’ve been holding on to).
I always like doing this to some extent, but Fall is definitely a time when I nest anyway, so it’s very fitting. After the linens, I attack our bedroom, because our new bathroom is so gorgeous that it deserves to have a decent bedroom attached. But I’ll keep you up to date on that.
I need to be better about taking photos. Wednesday was going to be my craft day, but I think it’s my decluttering day, and each week I’ll weigh in on what I’ve accomplished. Crusie, I want an update on your efforts, and the rest of you, I want to hear what you’re doing. I think I’m able to channel my love of things into sorting and containing and basking in their usefulness.